I just know it…

Somehow I’m gonna end up watching a show about two young gay men in love and still end up thinking about you.

Fuck me dude 🤦🏾‍♂️

Tony Weaver Jr.

This guy is really good at making me feel like I matter in this world:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU36LQFksP_/?igsh=MWs2eGY3N2JrNG9rMQ==

The Voices think I’m stupid

The United States of America is the second worst place in the world to be living right now. The first is Palestine but that’s our fault too.

What the fuck would I look like trying to convince someone with a decent to good quality of life, if not better, to come and live with me, in one of the most expensive states in the country, and a country being torn apart by a would be dictator and no violent revolution in sight?

Hell the revolution could come but would we want to see the consequences?

I swear to god pining and yearning in another part of my mind/brain is so dumb.

Like I’m CLEARLY OBSERVING this side of me or someone else that can’t get over you sucking dick a few times and trying to slap some fucking sense into him.

FUCK

Nowadays

Voices keep saying if I didn’t send that email in 2012 or 2013 whenever, I think it was that New Years e-mail, that you would’ve died. You would’ve committed suicide. They keep bringing up that you’re suicidal.

I have to unfortunately tell you that I’m not trying to save you from yourself. If you want to die, that choice is all yours.

I’m trying to find love. You know this, someone that loves me and wants to live a life with me.

If you want to die, like the guy you kissed or fucked in the Dominican Republic that night, I can’t stop you.

I have to again, painfully admit that there’s nothing I can do.

This one time, at band camp…

Voices in my head are bringing up this time in Allston when I was still smoking weed and I saw you in my mind, with another girl, laughing. You were ghostly outlines, one pink and one blue and I couldn’t tell who was who but you were glowing pink in New York with your parents so maybe you were that one.

At the time I thought that you were laughing at me. I was shook then thinking you had and have never loved let alone liked me, but I kept as cool as I could’ve and hung out with my friends at the time.

The voices just try to pound home this message that I’m the only one that thought we had something special.

And then tomorrow maybe they’ll tell me how much you love me, and then drive me to the brink again.

I’d say something like “I can’t take this anymore” but that’s a lie.

I’m good at dealing with this.

I get praised for how I deal with this.

You’re the only thing that’s wrong in my life, but yesterday I did some Astrocartography to find other places in the world to maybe travel to and find love, hopefully a love more powerful than what I seem to think and feel there is between me and you.

But my heart is a fine sand.

If I don’t move to these places, I doubt love will last.

I doubt anyone wants to follow me back to America.

In all the places I saw, there wasn’t anything for me, anything noticeable in Northern Europe, so you don’t have to worry about me visiting again.

Jail wasn’t so bad but honestly, once is enough.

Not sure if I want to throw all my cards at astrology but I have to believe that there is someone, something better out there.

And if there isn’t then I might as well get a dog.

WHY?!

Why am I cursed to think about and consider you if you won’t do the same for me?

Shouldn’t it be obvious if not also easy to just let you go?

What is this torment? This madness?

Why can I not just be?!

Wuthering Heights 2026

I had a date today (yesterday) for Valentine’s Day.

I bought her an assortment of popular chocolates bars and paid for movie tickets to Wuthering Heights 2026, featuring Margot Robbie and Jacob Elordi.

While the themes of passion and madness played strong throughout the movie, the voices showed up and said that I had “grown” and you had “moved on” so then why, am I so tutored so?

I was talking to my date, before and after sex and I told her about the multitudinous ways mainstream media parades love and passion around us, but when someone acts out of that, someone like me, when someone does get madly in love or just driven to the brink, like me, all of a sudden I’m “dangerous” and you might be “afraid.”

I just wanted to talk, I haven’t planned any further ahead than that.

Now, post coitus, my date and I are finishing the night with another movie, Casablanca. I’m typing as it plays but I hope to god this plague of love madness leaves me.

Happy Valentines Day.

Congress Woman

I watched this video of Congress Woman Ayanna Presley:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUqp3QQDFp3/?igsh=MXcyNzd0MjZtczM0cA==

In it she said “if @yahomied (my common username) wanted to be with a whore I would be an idiot.”

I don’t know what that’s in context to, but she was also on a poster on the Dot Block, a local apartment complex, alongside Pastor Wall, Aaron Bruce Wall Jr.’s father, who has been an active agent in my recent psychosis.

I’ve said what I’ve said about wanting to be with people, but this caught me off guard.

Of course, I’ll look even crazier than I already do after publishing this blog entry but I’m ready to risk that.

Sex Work(er)

Out with Howard, people walking by give you a golden shower.

It’s assumed they pre-paid, because you are a sex worker, so says the voices.

So I'm not special?

Voices said “every night [your name] has sex with a black guy at my house.”
Amazing, but what’s that supposed to make me feel?

That I’m not “special” ?

The you can get any black guy like a dime a dozen?

I mean I don’t need this information, I don’t even know how to process this one though.

I MEAN ALL THINGS CONSIDERED

YOU JUST COMMON DENOMINATOR (downplay) ME TO “black Guy”

AFTER EVERTHING!?

Fucked up, I gotta say lmao

Videogame Idea

With all of these unwanted sexual encounters they could make your life into a hentai dungeon crawler RPG.

Voices are telling me you’ve having sex with/being raped by a clone of the King of Norway.

What.

For my Chinese Fans…

Maybe you can make a vertical drama about a guy bleeding out in a cave having flashbacks of days when he was in love with a prostitute but wasn’t aware of her profession. Only to have it verified in his death bed or near death.

This guy doesn’t have to be rescued or anything, in the drama he can die.

Also-

While the voices go on about how rape was currency as you travelled through South America, I had to sit here and talk myself down, knowing now that when I think of you I go back to happier memories and also have to sit with the fact that I may never be that happy (with you) ever again. That’s practically confirmed at this point.

Pour it on…

I know I’ve gone over this before, if that before was when I was more insane than I am now, but the voices are saying that guy you “kissed at the door” in the DR was either a lie or a half truth, because they now claim you actually had sex with them.

But I recall what I said on my side of the planet:

“There’s nothing I could do.”

And, yeah while I may have been, I think, “disappointed” that it all happened, a kiss or otherwise, like I’ve also been saying recently, we were both young, dumb, and full of cum.

And I can’t go back in time to change the past and if I could I don’t think I’d want to.

What I want is for you to have eyes and hands and teeth and tongue for me and me only, and if that’s unrealistic or a hard lesson for you to adhere to then whatever, I’m not trying to sit here and “regret” ever interacting with you because we did meet ourselves, you and I, and you brought me so much fucking JOY.

I know I haven’t talked about that given, all of this, but that’s the one thing that maybe keeps me in love with you:

I was so fucking happy and you really have no idea.

Or maybe you do, because I’ve been talking around that point of my life for the last 15+ years.

Fuck whomever you want, do whatever you want, live however you want.

It’s not like you’re coming home to me.

Murder

Voices say I’m afraid because you have murdered someone before.

But then the voices said “we all have” like plural.

I remember the story of the guy in the DR that got tased in the nuts, but that didn’t kill him, did it?

If anything he probably just passed out.

Of course I don’t blame any of you for not sticking around to find out.

Hah.