Saw a girl with a head shaped like yours.
Sometimes, when I see these people, or people that look nothing like you, I hallucinate and see your face.
In the past I would chase these women down the street to confirm whether it was you or not, try to do anything to get their attention.
Yesterday, I just reminded myself that if you really wanted to speak to me, if you really wanted to get my attention, you wouldn’t just walk on by.
At least I hope that’s true.
You’re of the opinion that the world is about to end.
Verbatim, the voices say: “That is why we don’t want love, the world is about to end.”
Moments before that, the voices said:
“Daniel Fairclough is the only one that sees a future.”
Idk if I’m the chosen one or just insane but I already split myself down the middle I don’t need to live in or acknowledge two different realities as well.
Jesus.
Voices say you wish I let you blow me that night
Because the cop that showed up would’ve blown your head off (shot you in the head)
And you would’ve bit off the glans of my cock as you died
The cop would’ve framed me for murder
Someone would’ve got what they wanted
Voices in my head tell me you fucked someone
Voices in my head tell me your father never wants me to get over you
I am going to fucking kill myself
In my last post I said you were engaging in incest with your father in Argentina, the voices said “no, thats the opposite” it was with Howard, your brother.
Incest is Incest.
Just because the person was closer in age doesn’t make it better.
And if it is about this other person why do they keep mentioning you? Because she’s “the opposite” I mean I don’t give a fuck about her so why tell me at all? Why does this madness attempt to fill my mind?! Have I not yearned enough? DO I HAVE TO MAKE A SECOND TRIP TO NORWAY AND GET ARRESSTED AGAIN!?
I mean FUCK I know they’ll arrest me BECAUSE I REMEMBER. I may get as far as my hotel room this time and they knock on the door and ask me a series of questions and maybe they don’t put me in jail but they do “keep and eye on me” to see if I go anywhere near your job, IF, you still work there.
I have half the mind to think that since my first crime of passion to keep you and potentially anyone else there safe they stopped updating their webpage…
___________________________________
In other news, I remember you reading a book the last time I saw you. I don’t recall what it was about, maybe fantasy, but one year for Christmas or just out of the blue, my aunt gave me a present, a box full of fantasy books and at the time I thought she had done some research on you, somehow, and got all of your favorite books in that series.
I donated all the books to my local library, because I wanted a laptop, but now I’m desperately trying to find the books online so I can read them, outside of the idea that it will connect me closer to you, no, not that, it’s just that I’m in the beginning stages of my career as a writer and I can reference these books to help me with world building. I thought I kept at least the Encyclopedia/Anthology book in the collection she sent me but I can’t find it now.
All in all, I’ve gone down a rabbit hole of “great fantasy book series from the 80’s” like I’m going to add all of them to my wishlist as if I haven’t given myself enough things to read. Ugh.
Voices keep saying you had sex/made love/was raped by your “father” in Argentina.
We broke up then and you seemed to dance around that with all the words you wrote.
I don’t even remember that message, I just remember that it was a big excuse.
Voices seem to imply your daughter is the child between you and your father.
And I could be wrong, didn’t you leave a friend/girl in New York with the Indian boy you let wait for 3 hours before you bought a bus ticket to come and see me?
Or was that a lie/half-truth as well?
I have a headache man, although, I’m not as disturbed as I was when I initially heard these… “revelations” I do wish it would all just stop.
It’s been fine for a few days but I’m afraid I should anticipate another storm of mental horrors to enter my mind.
Most of the time, I find the media that reminds me of you by accident, as I go through life, haphazardly remembering you.
I ran into this song used fairly frequently online, “Her” by JVKE.
I thought at first this song would definitely go on the playlist, it’s about love after all, but in the end I didn’t vibe with it, so I didn’t add it. It didn’t quite encapsulate the feelings I have for you. It didn’t immediately make me think of you.
But when I hear it outside of that context, the part of the song people sample usually gives me chills. It runs down my neck and my arms and while talking to you makes me violently shake, this is admittedly a different feeling altogether.
I’m listening to another song now, one about, or at least I think is about a murder.
I always come back to this but it’s odd how many songs are about love and love lost, but maybe it’s just that universal.
I had more to say but, I gotta get back to playing the new Dragon Quest game.
Somehow I’m gonna end up watching a show about two young gay men in love and still end up thinking about you.
Fuck me dude 🤦🏾♂️
This guy is really good at making me feel like I matter in this world:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU36LQFksP_/?igsh=MWs2eGY3N2JrNG9rMQ==
The United States of America is the second worst place in the world to be living right now. The first is Palestine but that’s our fault too.
What the fuck would I look like trying to convince someone with a decent to good quality of life, if not better, to come and live with me, in one of the most expensive states in the country, and a country being torn apart by a would be dictator and no violent revolution in sight?
Hell the revolution could come but would we want to see the consequences?
I swear to god pining and yearning in another part of my mind/brain is so dumb.
Like I’m CLEARLY OBSERVING this side of me or someone else that can’t get over you sucking dick a few times and trying to slap some fucking sense into him.
FUCK
Voices keep saying if I didn’t send that email in 2012 or 2013 whenever, I think it was that New Years e-mail, that you would’ve died. You would’ve committed suicide. They keep bringing up that you’re suicidal.
I have to unfortunately tell you that I’m not trying to save you from yourself. If you want to die, that choice is all yours.
I’m trying to find love. You know this, someone that loves me and wants to live a life with me.
If you want to die, like the guy you kissed or fucked in the Dominican Republic that night, I can’t stop you.
I have to again, painfully admit that there’s nothing I can do.
Voices in my head are bringing up this time in Allston when I was still smoking weed and I saw you in my mind, with another girl, laughing. You were ghostly outlines, one pink and one blue and I couldn’t tell who was who but you were glowing pink in New York with your parents so maybe you were that one.
At the time I thought that you were laughing at me. I was shook then thinking you had and have never loved let alone liked me, but I kept as cool as I could’ve and hung out with my friends at the time.
The voices just try to pound home this message that I’m the only one that thought we had something special.
And then tomorrow maybe they’ll tell me how much you love me, and then drive me to the brink again.
I’d say something like “I can’t take this anymore” but that’s a lie.
I’m good at dealing with this.
I get praised for how I deal with this.
You’re the only thing that’s wrong in my life, but yesterday I did some Astrocartography to find other places in the world to maybe travel to and find love, hopefully a love more powerful than what I seem to think and feel there is between me and you.
But my heart is a fine sand.
If I don’t move to these places, I doubt love will last.
I doubt anyone wants to follow me back to America.
In all the places I saw, there wasn’t anything for me, anything noticeable in Northern Europe, so you don’t have to worry about me visiting again.
Jail wasn’t so bad but honestly, once is enough.
Not sure if I want to throw all my cards at astrology but I have to believe that there is someone, something better out there.
And if there isn’t then I might as well get a dog.
Why am I cursed to think about and consider you if you won’t do the same for me?
Shouldn’t it be obvious if not also easy to just let you go?
What is this torment? This madness?
Why can I not just be?!
I had a date today (yesterday) for Valentine’s Day.
I bought her an assortment of popular chocolates bars and paid for movie tickets to Wuthering Heights 2026, featuring Margot Robbie and Jacob Elordi.
While the themes of passion and madness played strong throughout the movie, the voices showed up and said that I had “grown” and you had “moved on” so then why, am I so tutored so?
I was talking to my date, before and after sex and I told her about the multitudinous ways mainstream media parades love and passion around us, but when someone acts out of that, someone like me, when someone does get madly in love or just driven to the brink, like me, all of a sudden I’m “dangerous” and you might be “afraid.”
I just wanted to talk, I haven’t planned any further ahead than that.
Now, post coitus, my date and I are finishing the night with another movie, Casablanca. I’m typing as it plays but I hope to god this plague of love madness leaves me.
Happy Valentines Day.
Current Events
Chloroform
Odin
Radio
Sherwin
Trey
ATL
Homos
All within the last hour
