UGH

I don’t know why my psychosis, my maddening love for you is back, because I am taking my medication.

I’m doing my best not to contact you, but it doesn’t feel difficult to do now, unlike in the past.

My psychosis states that my sadness, my heartbreak is almost communal, that everyone can share in the mistake you made when you broke up with me.

I don’t see it as a mistake, there was a lot of “in-between” that may or may not have happened if we stayed together, and I’m sure there are things about you that I don’t know and can’t know if I’d have responded correctly to them.

As the communal grieving scene from the movie “Midsummer” plays in my head, and I breath and wail and breath and wail, I calm, my fingers are my lungs.

There’s a lot bouncing around inside this dome piece of mine but it feels so trivial to mention, to say.

What I know is that we do not feel the same way about each other, or at least that’s the reality I’ve been presented with.

I can try to bring myself to hate you or feel more negatively about you but at the end of the day the title lover-boy in me remembers his “golden moments” and I distance myself from serious relationships even further as I type with catharsis.

I suppose all that’s left for me now is porn, cartoon porn, onlyfans and my imagination.

Good enough.

This page is public now because I'm ready to talk about this

Hello You,

Ina,

the woman that still lays in the bed in my head and heart.

How are you?

I’d write to you but you won’t write back.

I remember writing that e-mail all those years ago in, 2013? When I was full of rage on New Years Eve/Day, and you wrote back with whimsy.

Then years of harassment.

I’m afraid I’ll be a man everywhere else in life, with every other part of my body, except for my heart.

I’m still some 19 year old boy that gets excited at the thought of you.

I wonder if this is what people mean when they say “loving someone means loving the thousand births and deaths of who they will become.”

Do those births and deaths spur on divorce?

Are those changes the catalyst to counseling?

And if we all die and are reborn, how come I feel the same?

Maybe I should just make that Spotify playlist.

Maybe I should just surrender to the feeling again.

But I want to move on.

I want to move forward.

I want to clear the air.

I want all the ugliness to come to the surface.

I want to be forgiven.

I want to love again.

Maybe, somewhere on your side of the planet you expected to see another e-mail.

I’d send one, but I don’t need to give the Norwegian Government more reason to arrest me.

I definitely don’t want that to happen again.

I’ve gone to therapy.

I’m taking medication,

but you’re still here, flying back into my open arms like a boomerang,

and I write these myriad words that say the same thing,

a love song on repeat,

a single,

a broken record.

Ess muss sein, muss esse sein, I suppose.

Leo Season

Life has been much better since I’ve been regularly taking my medication.

I’m still not dating, but I also think the people in your life, the people I affected, the people I reached out to, would just want to forget about me, maybe me, forget about them, as I continue living here on the other side of the planet.

Your birthday is in three days, and while I think “Well maybe I could celebrate Obama’s birthday instead?” I know it’s all just a ruse to try and avoid thinking of you, it’d be better not to celebrate or try to make the day any more significant with something else, at all.

Even though I write this, I’m somewhat scared of becoming a big name celebrity and have to talk about you, what I did, the consequences of that, etc. It feels like you won’t talk about it, you’re out of reach for all I know, but can I confront it? Would I “lose fans” and how would that affect me?

It’s a possible future, yet not one already determined.

I’m not speaking of “love” or even “madness” now.

I’m calm.

Maybe complacent, but the me that wrote those things only a few years, months ago feels like an entirely different person already.

I did some therapy as well, it helped, but I don’t know that it gave me what I wanted, but neither will you, so I’m stuck with this lump in my throat, trying to apologize, wanting to make amends, accomplishing neither.

It’s not even about “closure” anymore, but I suppose if I need to speak with you to move on, then somewhere in that feeling, “closure” exists.

Well me and my lumpy throat may at least have one shot for your birthday.

I hope you’re happy and healthy.

I wish only for your own prosperity,

always.

Caesar

5/15/23

18:21

@Work

I saw a woman with a baby today and I thought of you.

The yearning doesn’t feel as strong anymore, but still, will this go on forever? Will I yearn, think, look for you in every woman that’s slightly Scandinavian?

I was looking for grants for artists a few weeks ago and I stumbled upon this man, William H. Johnson, who married a Danish woman and was an Artist and African American. I thought to myself when I first came upon his story and now discontinued grant opportunity “Maybe I should’ve gone for a Danish girl…” or Swedish, but times were different right? And I’m looking for forever if I do that much work, and not just a good time. Anyway.

What is this? An Introduction to the page "X"

Some people know and some people don’t, but one of the reasons I don’t pursue romantic relationships is because I still feel like I’m not over my ex.

It’s weird because it’s been so many years that have gone by, she wants nothing to do with me but still I find my body reacting to certain things, stimuli that vaguely remind me of her.

I’ve been trying to decide whether or not I should publish this or if I should make videos or just speak to a therapist but honestly I think I want a dialogue with someone, anyone, not just professional help, friends too, EVEN THOUGH, I do think I already know what everyone is going to say, and at the same time, I still a sensitive boy with feelings, thoughts, emotions, and it’s healthy for him, that boy, to express himself.

Don’t worry, I’m talking to a therapist as well, but for anyone at least a little bit curious, there’s this.