Self-Hatred

Many I’m only posting this here hoping less people will see it.

I feel disgusted with myself, and almost ashamed, ashamed that I haven’t done enough and that what I am doing is taking so goddamn long.

I talk about being kind to you but what about being kind to me? I can’t see to stop kicking my own ass and trying to get in gear for the next great accomplishment.

I feel like I have no money, nothing to brag about, no degree worth mentioning, no family, no kids, no place of my own, no car, nothing that would make me a modern man besides my ambition, which isn’t worth squat until what you want is got.

I hate being/feeling this, impulsive and impatient. I can take a step back and breathe, take a few deep breaths and remember that comparison is the thief of joy but every now and again I’ll get this creeping feeling in the quiet of the night and think that it’s over when really it’s just beginning.

Ugh.

This ain’t your fault

The voices in my head are taking me on a wild ride recently.

They’ve brought me back to that one time when we were in my bedroom, getting it on and I hallucinated, I suppose, someone else in my place and yours, respectfully. A guy and his mother, oddly enough.

I wrote this dark fucked up incestuous revelation to you in e-mails but why lord have I been plagued with these thoughts these last few weeks.

I mean I know I’m guaranteed to think about you on your birthday because if I memorized anything from your ID when we met in New York it was that, but that hallucination was pre-smoking weed. Pre-drug abuse escapism, but definitely filled with people I was familiar with, which of course fuels the theory that my hardship is man made but I can’t prove that either.

The voices go on like you’re still or have always been in communication with that young man, who also has a child of his own, your actions and life mirror his more than mine, maybe I’m destined to become some “famous nightmare” for you but I digress, you two were talking to each other, meant to meet up or be together before I was somehow tangled in the mix.

So the voices talk and reveal to me, I suppose, that you two still talk. And they reveal this more than they claim we will reunite.

Changing subjects because this has been on my mind too, I don’t know that I want to reunite anymore. I mean in 2022 yes, I definitely did, but now I’m thinking, although you have a place in my heart, that place is also in the past, and whether or not your feelings have changed since that 2013 xanga message, where you promised we’d have nothing to do with each other ever again, it feels to me like I’m finally coming to terms with that. I know I still write to you, or you in my head, and that August 4th will forever be a cursed day, but if you did come back there’d be talking. So much talking…

Oi.

Meds

Maybe it’s because I’ve been missing my meds but you’ve been on my mind these last few days, this last month.

I want to be gentle with you, with the idea of you, but I don’t know whether I should be actively loving you or trying to hate you.

I’ve written about it before but I don’t have it in me to hate you, maybe anyone, but especially not you.

People don’t seem to feel the same way about me though, and you’re included in that group of people.

Still, while walking home in the end of the summer weather, I wonder what it would’ve been like if I was able to meet you in Norway when I went, instead of being arrested. I know what I wanted to do, to hug you, give you those gifts, and talk, but things never go the way I expect them to go, and maybe I couldn’t have predicted my own actions, I’m 70% sure it wouldn’t have escalated at least on my part, but that’s in the past now. If I visit Northern Europe again, I’ll go to Sweden.

I don’t know what to do with these thoughts and feelings, with the voices that bring you up, that tell me you’re still holding out your heart for me, that in the end we will be together.

I give no weight to it, I don’t believe it and I definitely don’t sit and wait for it to come true, still, as embarrassing as it is to admit, it can make me feel good. Then I have to take those feelings and shove them into some muscle contraction like it’s a trash can, a garbage disposal.

I know my love was, is real, I know I just want to be done, but dammit if I’m going to bottle it all up and unleash a torrent of undeserving anguish on someone else.

That ain’t right either.

I did listen to a new song today that I added to the playlist, a song that went “I’ll spend the rest of my life leaving you” and I felt that was fitting.

Way better than the Norwegian song, like someone was trying to find where I sourced the music for that playlist to begin with.

But Sigrid was on the playlist this month, and that song wasn’t half bad.

I remember seeing a music video of hers where she was like 15 though, and now she’s 28??? Where did the time go…

See’ya.

Daytime Nightmare(s)


https://www.rfi.fr/en/international-news/20250818-son-of-norway-princess-charged-with-four-rapes

Maybe this is why I thought of you this morning. The voices go on to say something like I’ve been compared to this guy by your co-workers.

That’s just the voices though, I assume I’m not even an afterthought.

Still, I was in bed getting angrier and angrier, to the point where I felt like I should “reach out” before I let that settle and went about my day.

This article just shocked me, that’s why I’m writing this blog.

I was also putting myself down, thinking that you went on to start a family and I just got fat and have a pornography addiction. Not that it really disrupts my life but if I get another partner that isn’t open to porn, she might be more than a bit “shocked.” It is what it is I suppose. I’m working on losing the weight, pursuing a relationship will follow after that I guess.

Hope you are well.

Pinch me, I’m dreaming

Voices have been more active recently. Not that they’re saying anything they haven’t said before. They keep going back to this idea that you hooked up with every guy in the hostel, I think the one here in Massachusetts.

It doesn’t bother me as much now, not enough to make me want to “seek the truth” or “find out what’s real” and ultimately, harass you.

It’s like being pinched.

Maybe I wince here and there, thinking I was too naive, or that I should’ve known better, etc etc.

But I’m hoping, and signs seem to point to one day, I won’t feel anything.

Another reminder

I am reminded of you, even when I think I shouldn’t be. You were the first person to warn me against the tragedy, the horror of nationalism, at least I think/thought it was you, all things considered, if it wasn’t, it was your account…

Not important, what you said was “nationalism is a disease” and god I wish you’d have said it to the entire country.

The voices never stop...

I still hallucinate about you. The voices a few minutes ago are trying to make me believe you’ll come and be with me in America, even after what just happened today, who our President is.

Saying that’s “hard to believe” doesn’t do justice to how far away I am from being convinced by my delusions, from being curious about my hallucinations.

I play with the idea of smoking weed again, but I also don’t want to make my symptoms worse, I want to be as far away as possible, and while I wish I could enjoy recreational marijuana like I do alcohol, maybe it’d just that “enough is enough.” Like I’ve seen the heights of marijuana, is there anything for me there?

Who knows what I’ll do.

But they still talk about you, and I’m sorry I lost my mind and gave them any weight before, I was new to this whole “mental illness” things, but now I just, I don’t know how to explain it but “reality” is much more clear to me now.

It’s still distressing to hear the voices of the people you cherish or people describing people you cherish, talk badly about you, but there is no “psychic reality” or “Wavelength” no “galaxy of skulls.”

As disappointing as that may or may not be.

There’s a lot they say about being “Norwegian” in general, and I can’t recall it all here and now, I should be doing school work, but they bring you up, that’s all I really wanted to say.

Feeling like-

I’m having a ZYN when I’m supposed to

A video for you

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DKQjsPvM_Ll/?igsh=MXcyMGdpdzVvanB6Yw==

Posted with love. I guess. Maybe. I mean I thought of you, at least.

Friends.

I was playing Monster Hunter with a friend today, talking about my new friends from Sweden. Talking about how they, regardless of the fact that I technically work for them, have extended so much kindness and hospitality towards me, and encourage me, and are really just in my corner. So much so that it’s inspired me to pivot from learning Norwegian (not currently practicing mind you) and instead learn Swedish.

I joked that if it ends up anything like the plot of the movie “Midsommar” (2019) that I would happily join their cult and not even think to look back.

Ultimately I compared it to you, how instead of friendship you’ve just frozen me out, called the cops, have told me you want nothing to do with me for as long as “forever” lasts. And for a minute, recalling that, I felt a pinch of the heartbreak. How could people from countries so close together be so different?

That heartbreak is washed away by waves of elation as I think I have a new reason to visit Northern Europe, and I will.

I don’t want or expect you to read this and turn the other cheek or anything, I know I’m writing for myself, and maybe I always have been (not true) but man, I am stunned.

🇸🇪