I can’t imagine what you’re going through, what you’ve gone through.
If the horrors are real, and what they said is true, I’m sorry for your loss, and I apologize for anything I’ve said or done that’s made you uncomfortable or worse.
Not asking you to see my perspective in all these things and more, just know I’m sorry, and I don’t mean to cause you harm.
I didn’t add the song to the playlist, wasn’t feeling it.
Went to a concert tonight, and had the unfortunate pleasure of standing behind a girl that had a hairstyle similar to yours when I knew you.
She was being cute with her friends and I thought about you doing that, dancing like that.
Fuck.
Ironically, it’s appropriate for the theme of the convent/music.
She had a similar build too, although I imagine she was a bit taller than you, from what I remember. Still, it was a great show, and I’m glad I went out.
It was a challenge at first with the voices and all that but still good, after I got past that.
Glad I didn’t smoke weed.
The voices in my head comment about me getting an erection and watching porn.
This blog isn’t really about you.
Whoever they’re comparing me to, is either a homosexual or impotent.
They, sometimes, beg me to “not get it up” and go on and on about some person coming out of the closet when I do.
I mean of course I ignore them and go about getting my rocks off but what the fuck is a therapist going to tell me about this?
“Do you feel shame?”
“No.”
“Were you abused?”
“No.”
“Would you like to increase your medication?”
Everything but getting to the root of these ideations.
Tiring.
Voices are kicking my ass. Today wasn’t too bad but they’re saying I’m the only person in the world that can tell you “I love you more,” which is something I think I agree with.
But if I’m wrong I’m wrong.
You have your life, I have mine.
But I took a few days off from work. One day as a birthday present to myself, another day to just relax.
I got asked to show up for a meeting at a local bookstore, so I’m thinking I stop by the liquor store and maybe show my face there for a second too.
I really want to pre-game for this concert, but I don’t want to wake up with a hangover, and at the same time I’d love to forget that I’ve been dealing with these voices for the last few weeks, but having the smell of alcohol come off my skin sounds like a bad hit, no bueno.
What else is there even left to say?
Voices say you’re making bets with people on whether or not I’ll post something.
Mildly annoying.
There’s this “pained voice” in my head every time it feels as if the voices get to some new revelation on what exactly happened to you.
Some pained, desperate voice that doesn’t want to see me ever again.
For some reason this voice tells me about that horrors that may or may not be and I go “god that sucks, but yeah we can move on.”
This feeling doesn’t last long enough but I do feel it.
Lots of chatter today.
In my head I want a partner that will build with me. Ideally I’d like to be able to purchase property here in Mass, like a triple decker and live on one floor and rent out the other units.
If I’m being really fantastical, maybe have another, single family home, and make the triple decker a rental property.
With the climate the way it is right now, that seems impossible, but the voices in my head say you’re a millionaire. 1 million Krone isn’t exactly 1 million USD but if anything there’s potential.
More than that, if it is you, I feel bad about making use of your money. I’ve told you in the past that I have a retirement savings account, not that I know you read those messages but ideally we’d open an account for you too, and also have some dividend investments so you can have an income without having to work. It’s your money, you decide what you can do with it but my Swedish buddy, his wife wasn’t able to get a work visa and while I’m lost in thought, I wonder if the same would happen to you… but I think you have more credentials, what with your masters degree and all.
Voices in my head say you’d become a social worker in America.
Voices in my say Howard might be killed by someone if I keep posting.
I don’t know if they’re trying to paralyze me with fear or guilt, but that would have been possible maybe the years when my psychosis first started, not anymore. The simple reason is because I have to take care of myself, and expressing these thoughts/emotions/ideas/musings help me do that.
My co-worker owns a duplex, and he successfully made the second side of his home an Airbnb. That could work too but I think for that, people would want to stay in a more… “historical” or “aesthetic” part of Boston, like downtown, Beacon Hill, but property there is priced in millions of dollars, started at 1 million USD and getting higher. I work in the area so I know.
All this to say that yes, I know this is just some fantasy. Some part of my brain/body/soul that won’t let go, no matter how cold and calculating I try to become.
Take care.
I think I’m going to try and start running to reduce the size of my belly.
✌️
I paused the movie I’m watching to go get a beer.
A microbrew, and I only know that because when I scan the barcode in the “my fitness pal” app it prompts me to create a new food.
Maybe I’ve said this before: I hate that I feel good when I hallucinate that we’ll get back together.
I don’t know where these good feelings come from.
Logically, I don’t know why I would, even in a minuscule amount, feel good at all.
I can think of plenty of reasons why it’s not true, and I usually do after the warm and fuzzies, but maybe it’s this idea that, someone is going to “choose” me to be with, someone that already has a general idea of me, someone I won’t have to start from scratch with.
I mean there would be work, there’s always work, but maybe that small part of my mind/body/heart/soul likes the familiarity.
Who knows.
I can’t say I’m worth anything right now.
I’m in my late 30’s and still a “work in progress.”
No kids.
But also no car.
Barely a “place of my own.”
I live with family, and while that isn’t bad, trying to afford rent in Boston with everything else I got going on is a financial nightmare.
Let’s hope voting brings rent control, at least…
All of this to say that I’m typing this out before my beer.
The beer isn’t strong enough to make me forget, not tonight, but also last night I drank a whole bottle of wine alone and I’m still back to twiddling my thumbs.
Goddammit.
Spot on:
Not you, I don’t think we’ll ever be a thing again but who comes next?
Is there a person that would be okay with this idea that I don’t control my own thoughts?
Someone that wouldn’t mind that you drift and stay in my mind even when I want to not be thinking anything?
Can I expect them to not be upset? Or should they rightfully be upset, and go find something else to distract themselves with as I struggle on?
Do we talk it out?
Should I expect a fight?
Can a new relationship ever move beyond you and I if you won’t stop haunting me?
How should I feel about all of this?
This is fucking abnormal, if anything.
Should I b angry when the voice bring you up?
Why should I feel anything at all?
Should I feel numb?
Should I feel desperate and constantly searching for a new lover?
What should I be doing that will set me on a forward path?
Voices in my head are bringing up the time I sent you that big ass box for Christmas.
I remembered you told me you opened it with you friends.
Voices are saying they all laughed their asses off.
That you girls went around the world and every boy you met had “fun” but I’m the only one that wanted a wife.
Like I’ve said in the e-mails, my heart is a fine sand.
But what does that say about me?
What should I be doing right now?
Forcing myself to just try and move on? All those other boys from Latin America or, wherever in the world they could be, they have wives and families?
It’s not like I even share their culture, and how the fuck was I even supposed to know?
It’s not like I didn’t try!
But I’m repeating myself, every time I come back here to write.
It’s won’t just be hell for me, it’ll be hell for the next person too.
I’ll keep to myself.
The hallucinations are getting worse, they’re starting to turn into visual hallucinations.
For a few hours the voices were saying Norway, Sweden and Denmark maybe also Finland and Iceland but definitely the first 3 were engaged in a war for their culture.
Since then I’ve seen tiny people, “invisible” people, or see through, and voices that deviate enough from the YouTube video I’m watching to make me think it’s been targeted into my bedroom.
Really don’t know what else to do about this. I mean I’d ask for a higher dose of medication but maybe the medication causes it?
Hard to say, but I suppose the least I could do is consult my doctor.
I sent you a movie in an e-mail a while back, I remember what it was, and also probably an episode of a few shows.
I have this idea that I have a foreign wife/partner and I introduce them to American Media.
Right now I’m watching clips of “The Boondocks” an animated show, and I wonder how well this would do in Norway.
Anywhere in Europe, honestly.
The concept, the modes of speaking, the characters must look so fucking alien…
Was his plan always to find a group of black men to terrorize European women?
Just a group of black guys being the absolute worst to some white girls?
I mean BEFORE learning about the history of racism I can see that as ignorant, but keeping it up even after?
I said earlier in the night “yeah I wouldn’t want to be around a stalker and a rapist either”
I know I’m a stalker, but I’m not a rapist.
This other guy has been in my head or at least their using his name alongside memories/thoughts of you to goad me into some action other than this, writing/typing.
Literally twiddling my thumbs.
I don’t want to name him, but the idea is he’s the one that introduced you to my xanga way back when. I guess without him we would’ve never met.
And if we never met maybe I’d be crushing on some American girl.
Maybe, but it’s not like people don’t move across the country or around the world when you’re kids either…
I remember, back when I played Gaia online I had a long distance girlfriend but she was just in New Hampshire. I think I was like 15.
Then I “cheated on her” with another girl on Gaia, from Texas. And I told her and I was all sad about it at the time and we never spoke again.
Even though that story was pathetic, I feel even worse than how pathetic that is.
I mean that’s just young love from an outcast kid in the age of the internet.
If anything, for my generation it’s a “new normal” or at least would become more common as the years go on.
I know I can name two girls I met in the last 10 years that were in long distance online relationships before it all went to the shitter.
And I wonder if that’s the fate of every long distance relationship.
Probably not, but I don’t have the stats either. And if they’re like me, fucking embarrassed by their youth, who’s to say they’d even admit to it.
I’m friends with the girl from Texas on Facebook.
I wonder what the other girl got into. Haha.
Voices in my head say women don’t want to date me, not because of this blog, but because they’d become some kind of, “small town celebrity” and “no one wants to be a celebrity” so. I guess this is fine.