Not sex but rape

Voices say they closed your laptop to initiate the “sex” so it’s not sex but coercion, rape if you will.

Knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better.

All it feels like is that I could’ve protected you and I didn’t, I wasn’t able to.

So now I not only feel bad for you I feel bad about myself, my city, and all those scumbags that took advantage of you.

I hate it all.

Everything involved.

Pregnant from the Hostel

Voices are saying you would’ve tried to scrape the cum out of your pussy at the dinner in an effort to not get pregnant.

Hearing this shit just makes me feel sick to my stomach.

And I’m not disgusted with you, it’s just that my stomach literally fucking hurts.

Before it was my head, now my gut.

I’m just holding on to pain and emotion I can’t do much more than make a pornographic film out of.

And I wonder if this is where they got the idea for the “Fake Hostel” porn channel, or if that was just a well timed coincidence.

Ugh.

We found Joyleyn Bursts,

Find me my inner peace.

Sex every night

Voices say you had sex every night while you were in Boston.

That those men in the hospital either did or would’ve run a train on you.

My problem isn’t so much with this story, it’s with the fact that it makes me feel bad.

Like I’m supposed to feel stupid or betrayed because you were “unfaithful” but you must’ve had some idea of what was going to happen because while you were in New York I know we broke up. That felt bad in the moment but we still met.

It takes less effort to recall the situation back then but then more effort to not see your face in every white woman that might have a bit of Nordic ancestry.

I just don’t want to feel for you at all if you want nothing to do with me, and that makes sense, right?

Way more sense than the voices telling me you’re a lesbian and at the same time, a huge slut.

There was more but I’ve calmed down.

I mean, I think back to when you said “I wish we had sex two more times” and did that mean you had more sex at the hostel than with me?

And when you said “I’ve seen it before” at the exhibit at the ICA did you mean someone from the hostel took you out on a date late in the night there?

And was your hair always brushed to hide the fact that you had sex the night before, or just because I asked on the first day when I saw your bed head?

All these fucking thoughts race through my fucking mind because of some bullshit I can’t fucking control and for what?!

You might as well have fucking murdered me and got away clean.

Fuck.

Logic isn’t enough

I don’t think I even get out half of the thoughts and things I say about you or in regards to you throughout the day. Mostly I’ve been dealing with writing down the psychosis, but I just said a few minutes ago

“No when I was moving on she wasn’t an every present thought every second of every day”

And now I just had a scenario in my mind where I’m in a relationship and you come back into my life and I try to make it work with my new partner and you as a friend and we have a threesome and then I think

“After all of this time, if she wanted to be back in your life, she would’ve been by now”

But logic alone does not stop the yearning. It’s doesn’t put a cork in my bleeding heart, it doesn’t sew shut my imagination to keep all these thoughts and ideas from pouring out.

Sucks.

More illusion ranting for you.

Wtf is a “toe job” ?

Voices keep bringing up or talking about the myriad ways you would have cheated on me.

I don’t know when, I assume they’re talking about when you visited me in Boston with people at the hostel.

It hurts initially, and then I remember we weren’t dating, you were free to be with whomever, and you still chose to be with me.

I’ve said all the things I’ve had to say about this, I’ve rationalized it in so many different ways.

If loving you makes me a fool then I’m a fool, and that won’t change.

I just wish I’d stop hearing and feeling things

Isn’t it stupid to be so pained by someone that can’t stand you?

I feel like I’m fucking retarded.

Ex (you) wasn’t in love

Amazing voices, she didn’t love me.

But I “deserve” love.

She didn’t love me just like every other girl in my life that chose someone else.

Who gives a fuck.

It doesn’t matter.

Now the voices are saying

You were a “Thot” and sucked dick every night or did whatever.

It doesn’t matter.

I’m a fool, who cares.

That’s why I asked YLVIS to make me a joke.

I don’t care.

If everything that I knew was false, and you’ll never tell me the truth, then I’ll go and find something else that is true.

It’s in the past, I can’t change it.

I can’t change you.

Appparently.

I’m trying to live

I’m at a party with new friends, celebrating Oktoberfest

voices bring up blowjob for laptop. It’s not like I abandoned you for that. It’s not like I was even angry. I loved you anyway, and sometimes, that’s the hardest thing to remember.

They said you didn’t care that we were “going out”

But I remember we broke up while you met the Indian in New York, before you got to Boston.

They say you knew I would care if we were a couple then.

I kick myself wishing I fought harder that you could stay at my house, but the voices say you’d have ”become an ape”

More than anything I struggle with pulling myself back to reality after not knowing what to believe…

But I know I love you, through it all.

That’s one thing that doesn’t seem to change.

Pic from the party so you know I’m not lying. I’m trying to live and meet new people. If I don’t have you, if I can’t have you, there’s no reason to wait for you, right?

30 Person Orgy

I remember the picture; but the voices in my head all night have been telling me it was not an orgy, but “T” was gang raped by everyone because “she wouldn’t talk” and you for some reason thought it was a good idea to fist her and claim it simulated child birth.

And the reason you have a child now is because your husband raped you, to avenge her.

Make it make sense.

A Pipe Dream

Talking to a desperate tiger, asking them if love and marriage is still a goal for them.

I can’t even answer that question myself, confidently.

I mean yes I do.

But no, no I don’t.

Whore

Voices just keep saying you’re a “hoe” and then bringing up these past instances where you were selling or bartering with your body and everybody but me was getting a piece.

Like I’m not here to debate whether it’s true or not but I hustle want to say from the shallowest part of my heart, I wish I was there in the room while you were doing those things with someone else.

I really don’t care if you’re fast and loose, give me some too! Damn!

Like that tiktok said

“Ho + Me is a home and I’m trying to build.”

Ape

Voices kept saying “if she stayed with you she would’ve been an ape!” And then I thought it was in reference to the Danish slur “fjelabe” but the google AI search results said it was a slur for Greenlanders for a second before switching back to Norwegians and I thought briefly “does Norway mandate the rite to remove any and all information from the internet about its people and or culture?”

I didn’t look it up, or get a screenshot of the Greenland search results but I’m putting this one here.

Ruins my mood

I’ll survive the voices, but hearing about you truly ruins my mood.

Voices are saying at the Boston Hostel, you sucked dick every night, but then there’s a voice that interjects and says you were raped.

Voices say you did all of these things but “wouldn’t want to be a slut to my face.”

What I get from this is that they’re arguing that everything was your fault and somehow it wasn’t.

I remember the story you told me about the guys that stole your laptop. I guess they want me to not trust that alibi.

The voices say you feel shame.

Either way, I can’t change the past, I’ve admitted as much, but every time you come up, outside of my control, my mood worsens.

I took the day off of work tomorrow. Monday is my birthday and as a present to myself, I’m going to a concert.

Next week a rave, Octoberfest, and the week after that, who knows.

I have something planned for almost every week of this month.

I bring that up to make myself feel better.

Naming “The Horrors”

If you read those Google documents many moons ago you’d already know what I’m referring to, but for anyone else seeing this for the first time I’d like to inform them.

“The Horrors” I go on about hearing are voices that say my erstwhile love was raped, desires to be raped, performs incest, is mutilated, waits for me to commit suicide so she can die herself, or consumes feces, among other things. This is consistently what I hear and has been repeated for a while.

While walking to South Station from work I heard a voice say “I want to be raped! I don’t want to feel!”

And before I could feel any greater hostility towards the ghosts in my mind, this wonderful song started playing, and took me to a new world.

I find it funny that the title is “Love All.” I’m not sure the band knew what a tall order that would be, but it’s fitting, because I don’t want to be constantly submerged in fear, anger and paranoia. I want to love too!

The song has no lyrics, it’s all instrumental, but it’s my new favorite ❤️