New Info

Voices said to me, posing as you:

“You’re doing whatever you want, I’m under somebodies control.”

And this is the first time I’ve heard that.

Reunion

Multiple and various ideas of our reunion flash through my mind.

However, so does the idea of my own untimely death.

Where the voices say you don’t want to live anymore and tell me in that same breath that I’m going to be assassinated, often times I picture you as my assassin, and in a “safe” location, the story breaks, the deception unfolds and in a failed or successful attempt at my slaying all of a sudden I’m the 10’o’clock news.

But from here something doesn’t make sense.

If successful yes, I become the urban hero, the martyr the voices in my head expect me to be, but if unsuccessful, I’m supposed to use my would be killing to pivot into an acting career?

I don’t understand, I don’t see the parallels.

But those are the thoughts in my mind, as unpleasant as they are.

The word “rape” is losing its meaning

But not really.

On top of everything that’s going on in the country regarding the Epstein files-

In my own personal corner of hell I have the voices in my head talking about you, constantly saying “she’s just been raped”

Rape rape rape rape rape rape rapre rapre relapse reps r fuck.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I’ve already, multiple times, justified why I have to live, why I have to just keep fucking going, but more and more this feels less like and illness and more like a trial that I have to pass.

There is no reward, and the trial may go on for the rest of my fucking life for all I know but quite literally I am powerless, at least in this state, post workout, YouTube on in the background and ready to rub one out before bed.

Fuck.

Cuerpomatic*

“Eight out of ten Central American women who migrate to the United States are raped en route, according to an investigation by the cable channel Fusion. Before they set off, they equip themselves with contraceptives. When you move countries, your greatest-sometimes only-asset is your body, which also becomes your greatest vulnerability. Sex becomes currency, to be exchanged for protection from the smugglers, the coyotes, or the police. The arrangement is called cuerpomatic-after the Central American credit-card processor Credomatic-because it involves using your body, cuerpo, as currency.”

From the book “This is Our Land” by Suketu Mehta

At least now I have an idea of all this “Rape as currency” talk in my head over and fucking over again. Hell.

Conspiracy theory on White Supremacy

I remember when I sent the xanga message about girls your age being a change in Norwegian culture.

Maybe in that respect it’s just creating distance from the Black Metal phase in the 90’s.

But now what’s floating around in my head is this word, “rape.”

Voices tell me if I hadn’t brought Dashawn with me when I visited you in New York you would’ve given me “vertigo” and raped me. And the idea that follows that is that you get pregnant, carry the child to term and then at some point I suppose the government takes it away/you give it up for adoption.

To what end, though?

The only thing I can foresee is that there’s a small tribe of mixed children that gets spread through Norway, and they have children with other Norwegians until they get to the point where they are too closely related to the population and so they have another international “russfeiring” to harvest more unlike DNA to fuel the Norwegian populations capitalist machine.

What also is bouncing around my brain is that maybe all of these if not most of these women your age were also on SSRI’s, and being unable to enjoy sex recreationally, they then also begin to view themselves as “baby factories/machines” with a high likelihood of either suicide or death during childbirth.

Pretty morbid if you ask me.

Argument

Just argued with you, or a girl that looked nearly like you in my dream for like 20 minutes.

Nothing really profound about that, I just had shit to get off of my chest and God gave me this facsimile of you to let me do it.

I don’t want to think I’d spend any time I have with you, only arguing, but she was so stubborn, I couldn’t help it.

Herpes

Also similar to ABWJr, voices say you have herpes, due to rape.

Idk how he contracted it, voices say you got it from your parent.

One odd thing that I keep recalling is when my mom introduced sex education to me. She gave me this packet of books and pamphlets and told me to read them, then she locked herself in her room.

I have and had no desire to “learn sex” with my mom but given how prevalent ideas of incest are in my mind surrounding you and him, I wonder if that’s how you two lost your virginity…

Anyway, it’d help if I could get the answers from the horses mouth, but that feels impossible. And one answer once wouldn’t suffice, I feel like I’d need reassurance every time I lose my mind, like I am now, 8 years later.

Just like AW

Voices say you’re just like ABWJr, and when they say that I think they mean that you have an incestuous relationship with your parents/family members.

Voices say you never wanted me to know that, but if that’s the case you’re more compatible with him than you are with me, and yet if that’s true, then it’s also true that you’d rather stay where you are with your parent rather than venture off somewhere to start a new life. But also if you did go somewhere said parent would still be able to find you. Like that song “Poor Leno” by Royksopp.

I don’t know what to make of all of this. I’m certain in how I feel, and I’m certain that if I can’t be with you in any capacity, that means I have to try and find a way to move on, and I’ve been trying to do that, I feel as if I’m constantly trying to do that.

ABWJr has or had a smoking hot gf/wife the last timE I saw him in church, so I wonder if he was introduced to this person by his incestuous parent, maybe the same is said for you.

Whatever.

Pencil

Stabbed a dude with a pencil in the show I’m watching.

Honestly, it’s the logical thing to do given the scene, but because of my recent mania my thoughts return to you.

To us in New York.

When you asked “if you got into a fight right now, what would you do?”

And to this day I don’t know if that meant you were going to fight me or introduce me to someone that wanted to fight me.

I remember seeing that text look like Morse code, but the voices keep saying you “become an ape.”

Sounds like losing control of yourself.

Anyway, back to the show.

Serious relationship

The person the voices in my head describe you as doesn’t sound like they are ready for a “serious relationship.”

Constantly being “playful” and “changing their name”

Unable to secure a divorce from their husband.

Feces eating, or playing with feces.

Would prefer to be around or at least unwilling to leave their “father”

Has no friends/support network and seems unwilling to build one.

And from whatever else I know or don’t know, why bring this person up at all?

I just wonder if we’re so incompatible what’s the sense in you being on my mind 24/7, why d I have to feel and be in so much emotional turmoil?

I get that I can’t control my hallucinations but I am taking my medication and I am not getting any better so what the fuck gives?

What else is out there?

Yu-Gi-Oh

Back in classic yugioh there was a sub story/card class about survivors from the “Different Dimesion.”

It’s pretty much post apocalyptic but seeing as you are the “last person on earth” I thought this card, representing me, was significant. Of course however the character is a white blonde man but voices said you’d have also preferred someone from Europe to have “survived the apocalypse” instead of an American.

What the fuck ever:

Website with more info on Different Dimension Cards (not that anyone cares): https://yugioh.fandom.com/wiki/D.D.

Despite all of my rage

I am still a rat in a cage.

All of your justifications and explanations for the horrors you present to me, Steinar, come late, on the shores of ears that wish to be deafened, eyes that wish to be blinded.

Another message for Steinar

Because I hear you in my psychosis saying

“Know why you don’t want your wife? Because I would want one”

What was the fucking point in all of this?

If you were this much of a monster why do any work to hide it? Why embrace me? Why am I still living if all of these hallucinations are small facets of the truth?

What the fuck is happening to me

This is why-

This is why we can’t have nice things.

It’s just a power vacuum of people not allowing one another to have what they want or be happy with what they have.

Someone “pulling the strings” or rather “turning the dials” to warp and twist our perceptions of reality, to make the known unknown or force us into “unthinkable” calamity.

They are correct when they say “If Daniel Fairclough knew, he would kill someone”

I don’t think I’d kill one person however, I think I’d murder everyone I could get my hands on.

You’re the last person on Earth

And somehow that translates to you being the last person on Earth to get what you want.

Voices keep saying you are shit to get/do whatever you want, but if you go somewhere there’s someone that always finds you, your “father” and this relates somehow to you still using that same phone number, or at least that’s what’s displayed on your employee profile: the phone number to your fathers Nokia.

I wonder if you/he is still using that old brick too. They were/are marvelously study.

The voices in my head are like, fighting to give me a better life, and they keep going “I WANT TO KNOW MORE!” And this somehow is in regards to you.

They say when I was growing up no one wanted me because ABWJr “turned all the way up” and declared he was homosexual, and he’s been going back and forth with MSF to figure out who he really was/is or if he was actually me.

All this and more surrounds me.

The voices ebb and flow like the tide.

I’m gonna go have another beer.