I’m watching ProZD Plays Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Justice for All // Ep. 14
In my head there’s a DRAMA playing out where the only video game you play is “Amongus” and you reveal to someone in the psychic reality that you’ve always been a lesbian for Toni.
Somehow, if that’s true I don’t feel like the relationship will last very long but, if it means I’m no longer cursed, all the better ✌️
And now that the voices have subsided, they leave me staring out another window of clarity, waking up to the sun shining down on me in my lonely bed, knowing one clear thing:
You don’t love me.
And that’s what makes dealing with these voices so tough.
They bring back all these feelings and memories, past and present.
It’s a waste of time, too stressful to be angry with you, I didn’t want to harass you, I wanted to talk again, I don’t want to feel anything for anyone, but if I’m going to at least it’s from a time where I was positive love was real, at least within and for me.
Or maybe I fall in love too easily, too quickly.
I’m not cut out for this, clearly.
But this sadness, the bright side of this sadness is that when I’m back in reality, and my guts are churning, my chest depressed, at least I know I haven’t succumbed to the delusions and hallucinations.
I know what to do with sadness.
I know how to escape it.
I always seem to find a reason to keep on living.
And I hope you do too.
Like I keep mentioning, I’m taking my medication, but the voices are oddly active recently.
Maybe it’s the 3 weeks of doing the overnight shift that’s causing the trouble, as I do hear them if I’m up past 5AM sometimes, I don’t know, I’m just a working stiff tho.
Anyway they say at the airport your dad slapped you because you referred to me as a “nigger” which is honestly new and surprising.
They say you aren’t telling the whole story, or weren’t, but what do I know?
Me personally, I try to be honest and forthright, you might have your reasons for being the opposite, and I’m not saying you’re a liar, but I know a thing or two about not telling the whole truth.
You have your reasons though and that’s fine, I mean we’re not talking to one another currently, this blog might be more for myself than for the idea that you’ll see it and decide to reach out to me like I have done to you.
That may be just another silly little pipe dream of mine but the heart wants what it wants.
Anyway, keep your secrets.
You know how I feel.
Somewhere deeply rooted within in is that teenage boy that loved talking to you, that loved you. You can come to me with anything, I’ll lend an ear, it’s the least I can do.
The one where I declare I’m a homosexual, and put on a voice and everything…
They also seem to be surprised that I “don’t feel stupid.”
Just chalk it all up to madness and go live the rest of your life.
Who are you going to show that video to that will have a direct impact on my future?
I’d like to meet them.
I keep finding new combinations of words for things I’ve already said.
Voices are going back through my memories, specifically Central Park.
Someone in my head said they wanted ME to be raped.
Hot damn.
Your husband sounds like a guy that needs quite a bit of help.
I know I don’t know him, and I don’t know what he’s like or how “wonderful” he may or may not be, but they say he’s trying to “commit suicide” by drinking paint..? Isn’t most paint non-toxic nowadays? I mean maybe he’d need to get his stomach pumped but like I said, I don’t know anything about your neck of the woods, other than you being unwilling to communicate with me.
I’m just some cosmic plaything for the whim of the universe, what with this mental illness and all.
I thought I’d use the “power of attraction” to try and get you back into my life but that stuff seems all hokey. Like pretending I already have you and am in a relationship with you when it’s clear you reside somewhere with me, in my memories, my mind and heart, but what I desire is something real time communications, tangible, to hold you hand, etc.
I prefer the “No Mind” concept of Zen anyway, I don’t want to double down on being or seeming obsessed with you.
I should finish that poem…
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7-YY0Vvu2J/?igsh=MzEycmRkcTZ1eXMw
Despite the pain that you bring me, there are still things in this world that make me happy.
That make me smile.
I assume it’s the same for you.
Why couldn’t it have been that boy in Mexico?
Or that one guy you kissed in the DR?
Or anyone else for that matter.
Why me?
What is the lesson in all this?
And is it a lesson for only myself or the both of us? And maybe our networks/communities?
Idk what is going on with my brain but it’s like it’s trying to break my heart.
I got my eyes closed and I’m seeing pink and tan human shaped blogs fucking each others brains out and I’m supposed to vaguely make out your face.
I know what it is, it’s a call back to when we were in a long distance relationship while you were traveling through South America, I’m supposed to think you were unfaithful, and essentially either had a favorite guy or fucked anything with a dick that moved.
But I’m not shaken in my convictions, and I know I can’t change the past.
I don’t want to be cheated on by anyone but that’s just the way the cookie crumble.
I don’t want to sound like I’m begging to get back together with you but I can control how people will read and understand this writing.
All I know is I’d give us a second chance.
And what else I know is that you wouldn’t.
You can fuck every man on planet earth in my hallucinations,
I’m dying on this hill.
More to ask, more to show, more to small talk about.
I have been living life all these years without you, things you don’t know. We missed out on each other’s “terrible 20’s” as I like to call them.
But instead of an exhaustive list of questions and statements, here are two images.
It’s a lot crazier than I have the gist if it credit for, but I found it all the same:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CxXzKcwM76k/?igsh=OTAwOHB0cjQ2emc1
The voices have been present the last few days, but that might be because I forgot to take my medication on Friday into Saturday and Sunday.
Still, I haven’t written down much of what they’ve been saying in regards to you.
It feels like they’re trying to get someone to commit suicide, for a while anyway, and it’s not directed at me because they would say my name or username or something and it feels like there’s a response coming from somewhere else.
There’s more but I don’t want to insult anyone at this time.
I know they’re delusions and hallucinations and I want to be done with you as much as you seem to be done with me, even though I’d likely give us a second chance if we could make it work.
Like logically I should just push past all of these feelings and try to move on with someone else, start a family, sure, but those are no longer my goals, even if my mom tells me she wants grandkids every Christmas.
It’s complicated.
I’m listening to music on the train, and in the left side of my head I felt something, and then this thought came rushing in, this “fearful” sensation that we’ll never see or meet or be together ever again.
But when I pull back from that, it’s been over 10 years of mostly radio silence.
It’s irrational to start being “afraid” of that now, if anything I’m comfortable with it.
This is just as irrational as holding out hope that we’ll be together again.
Why did I feel that?
Where does it come from?
Maybe you have social media and you just blocked me everywhere like you said you would, I don’t know, but all my friends and family do is send each other memes all day.
Something to laugh at, something to make you smile, to motivate you, give you a little bit of FOMO every once in a while.
I hope someone out there in the world loves you enough to send you memes, because I totally would, if it didn’t go against my best interests.
I’m getting jealous.
In my head there’s this inkling, this possibility that you’d cheat on me with one or multiple of my current friend group.
This is highly illogical. Like enough for me to step back and just say “what the fuck.”
And I know, I wrote that shit storm of all these sexually deviant thoughts and behaviors in so many documents in the past, but this is really odd, with all the logic that I have, the knowledge of what is reality, why am I thinking and feeling this?
And then, I go to my recent post about Quantum Entanglement and I think maybe I’m picking up on someone on your side of the world, with feelings for you, your current partner, and his or their insecurities?
Because I shouldn’t have these feelings.
What I REMEMBER of you, you weren’t remotely interested in anyone else while we were together, in any of the situations I brought you in.
I mean I have pictures I can see it on your face, so why?
Of course, you’re a “different person” now, but hell, this “new” you, whomever they are, they/you aren’t even interested in me, so that makes this even more ludicrous.
I’m just writing just to write at this point.
I’m also gonna try to finish my Norwegian Language lessons.
I want closure for that as well.
