Smorgasbord

You chop people up but don’t eat any of it, I’m included in the chopped food on display.

A charcuterie board?

Voices

Say you hanged yourself, and Howard is in jail for beating your child.

Somehow I doubt this is the end.

Sherlock Holmes

What you’re trying to show me is that you’re afraid of augmented reality.

And apparently the movie “Sherlock” with Robert Downey Jr was all filmed with AR technology.

The slow-mo punches were the effects of technology pressurizing the air around his body or some shit

I’m not the 1 4 U

Voices keep saying you’d pretend to be other people that are “turned up” and claim they love me, instead of being yourself, because either you’d be suicidal or someone from your part of the world wants you to be someone else.

It never works out, and they keep saying what you’d rather be doing.

You’d rather be in the Dominican Republic.

You hate that you’re in Boston (if you’re in Boston???)

You have to take care of your child.

All these things and more.

I’m a broken record, you know what I’m going to say next, so I won’t say it.

I just, don’t want to hear it anymore. Does that make sense?

I want to be alone in my head like I was in the past, why does that feel like it’s impossible now?

I don’t want to hurt anyone.

I’m not begging or being desperate to be loved.

I feel so done with all this, and yet, words pour out.

Emotions build up.

Action is taken.

And while it all seems futile, I hope that in someway it helps.

Me

You

Anyone else that might be reading this.

I hope it helps.

Spontaneity

Voices are saying I’m the only one that would have told you I’d show up in Norway.

But considering all the messages, rather, all of the “harassment” I sent, I don’t think randomly showing up to “surprise” you would have had any better results than what I did regardless.

Like it’s not as if we were on speaking terms, and I showed up to surprise you.

We were and still are, estranged, so I imagine you’d still be shocked or scared.

I don’t regret what I did, but I feel like I’ve exhausted damn near all of my options to be in contact with you.

It sucks, sure, but I’ll manage, I have to.

"You needed to stay"

To end the black metal album, you needed to stay with me and become suicidal, the voices say.

Now, I can’t predict how life would’ve turned out had you stayed with me.

I assume I’d ask for a raise or find a better job so we could get an apartment, but how would my mother support me, us? How would your family?

Schrodigers Relationship strikes again.

I’m not gonna type much longer, I just keep hearing “you should’ve stayed” and my only response is “well she didn’t, so go away”

Black Metal

When we separated in New York, for the last time, the voices say if I had said “I love you” then, you would’ve spit in my face and acted insane/like an ape, and then your father would’ve come from behind me and slit my throat and killed me.

This was written somewhere on some blog, not this one of course.

I get that I’m being told “don’t trust everything you see on the internet” but if you know my story you know I had no recourse.

Anyway.

Oh now they’re saying you’d just laugh.

They say so many fucking things.

That you’re “Wet” and “wouldn’t want to be without me” when you’re that wet.

I’m sick of it.

Schrodinger's Relationship

I wrote once on my xanga blog “Authentic_Black_Dragon” :

“Once a cheater, always a cheater”

I was a teenager that thought he knew everything about the world.

People can change, and I know that now.

Some people do, some people don’t, but it is possible.

Just because a mental illness prevented you from holding down a job doesn’t mean you can’t get another one.

Just because you were homeless doesn’t mean you can’t find housing, etc.

But this is a hypothetical relationship, where we hypothetically get back together, and hypothetically you tell me the “truth” and hypothetically or at least according to the voices it’s about how you went “ape” at one of the many hostels you stayed at and had an orgy.

Again, not my words, the voices.

But like they title says, this is Schrodingers Relationship, I’m writing as if I’m in a relationship with you, while knowing I’m not in a relationship with you.

I can go and do what I want with whomever I want, but the voices and the emotional turmoil of that makes that feel like its impossible.

We won’t truly know where we stand until you stop freezing me out.

That’s really it.

Although it feels rather obvious where we stand, I don’t have to sit here and hold out hope for the best possible outcome, but that’s what the voices make me feel, or want me to feel.

ANYWAY!

Dichotomy

So all of “Scandinavia” understands that I can only be one of two ways:

Unbearably Playful

Or

As serious as a heart attack

I understand from the things I’ve said and done why you’d be afraid of me.

Like I said, I’m not asking you to get I got a relationship with me again, I just want to clear my head.

I love you and I want the best for the both of us.

That’s the main sticking point, okay?

ABC’s

A is for Augmented Reality

B is for Bulimia

Apparently I have to acquire or come to terms with these two things if I want to see you again.

So I’m supposed to believe

I reunite with you, and you shoot me in the head and then kill yourself, so everyone else can get what they want.

Making me some sick and twisted martyr in the process.

So say the voices.

No to Uganda

There’s absolutely no way I want to be with “M”

Miss Piggy.

Voices say you aren’t even friends anymore.

That you would’ve jumped off the balcony at that concert if I didn’t delete that screenshot.

Apparently she “turned all the way up” just now to be in my room, but I “see through” people, however this fucking works.

It was the same for “Doja Cat” so say the voices.

Whatever, I don’t want to be with her, not in the slightest.