“Wake Up”

You want ME to “wake up” ?!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFUCK YOU IN A BAD WAY!!!!

I’m just trying to fucking stay sane over here!

I’m not asking you for a goddamn thing other than a fucking dialogue and I can’t even get that!

Fuck all the way off and have a rotten day while you’re at it.

Like a disappointed dog

Having a window of clarity where the voices all reveal themselves to be other people from my past lives and I recall that I don’t know a damn thing about you, other than what you’ve previously said.

And every time I think or understand that we may never meet again it’s like some excited puppy in my mind is being told “no” and it understands.

Every time these hallucinations, these voices build me up, unwillingly, and I’m left face down in the dirt with this tragedy that is my affection for you.

Fuck.

This.

BAD ENDING

Voices keep saying that night in the park, you were “turned all the way up” and that’s the reason why you wanted to get shot in the head by the cop that was approaching us. Somehow being “turned all the way up” makes you clairvoyant or totally oblivious but the story I’m hearing goes that cop would’ve either killed you and try to blame it on me, or I would have had to fight the cop and you would’ve run away to God knows where, maybe even back to the hostel with your family and left me on my own.

I fucking hate this.

"That's why I wouldn't want a wife"

I have this voice in my head claiming every time I say “I love you” he gets a blowjob from you.

But that blowjob comes from “someone else” the same “someone else” that apparently visited ABWjr.

The voices says “That’s why I wouldn’t want a wife I have a daughter that does whatever I want.”

You know by now that one of the horrors of my mind is the voices or the hallucinations my damaged brain produces, places you among others in incestuous situations.

By now you’d all be able to own a gun, unless you have or must advocate for your rights back to owning a firearm like I need to here in Massachusetts, but if you have a gun, and the voices keep saying you wanted to die so frequently, why haven’t you done it yet?

Why subject yourself to sexual abuse?

Do you have Stockholm syndrome?

Are you somehow perversely addicted to these acts of molestation?

Really what’s the root of this problem and what the fuck does it have to do with me?

Something just aint clicking, because if you have the ability to escape, by any means, what is stopping you?

You came back to Boston

Voices just told me that at some point you had come back to Boston to be with ABWjr.

Great.

I hope it was everything you’d dream it would have been.

Now if you could, since you are somehow an important person in my mental illness, kindly tell the voices in my head that the best way to get over you, is to not mention you at all, I would greatly appreciate that.

That’s all I want.

I don’t want to write to you.

I don’t want to love you.

I don’t want to try and start a new relationship with you, and you know why, or you have some idea.

I want to be left alone, with my own thoughts, in my head, and not these alien voices making you the center of my fuckign universe 24/7.

P.S.

I’m not saying that I don’t love you, I do, but I don’t want to, because I want to love someone that will return love to me. THat’s all.

This tug of war I’m playing with myself is pointless and somehow I can’t stop it.

What the Fuck

Why is “rape” a currency in Norway?

Why do I hear that “she/you had to be raped to start seeing him again.”

Why the fuck is this such a goddamn FREQUENT thought/voice line?!

It makes literally no sense. It’s almost so fucking common that it isn’t noteworthy, that the action begins to lose its meaning as a statement, maybe not so much as an act.

Fuck.

Walk on by

A girl that kind of looked like you just walked by me right now as I sit waiting for mY job to start.

I said out loud “if she wanted to talk ti me, she’d approach Me”

As opposed to me, hopping to my feet and running to confirm my suspicions…

hopefully this means I’m getting better…

1010 Mass Ave

Voices are saying you gave that janitor a blow job, and he wanted to ejaculate on your neck.

I recall even in my hallucinations, on multiple occasions, or at least one in particular, a “woman” I assume, a pornstar, “Sat” on my erection member. I kind of remember that vividly, and, if they or she wasn’t just a figment of my imagination, but rather a wave form created by unknown technology (unknown to me) I can see a scenario where someone existing outside of you, yet “haunting” you could effect another man’s phallus.

That’s not hard to imagine, what hard is having to constantly recognize and get over the feelings that well up when I hear/think about this hit.

Sex while I graduated

Voices say you were having sex while I was graduating that summer when you were in Boston.

When I think about that, that feels like it should hurt me, more than it does.

When I go over all the “relational commitments” at the time (if we were “official”, etc.) it’s not as if you were in the wrong, but I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right either.

I’m writing right now because this moment, whether it happened or not, honestly turn my heart and heart into laundry being tossed in a dryer.

I think of whether or not I do actually love you, if I’m committed to you, but then I remember I’ve been trying to get your attention for more than 10 years.

Yeah, logically it doesn’t make sense to just keep loving you, but like weed is synonymous with Jamaicans, then it doesn’t make sense for me to have voices in my head. Or if they’re in my head, if it’s my brain, it doesn’t make sense for me to not be able to control them.

You fall into that kind of logical trap that really only ends with if all of these things are out of my control than maybe loving you is too.

And I’m not looking for a reason to be mad at you, or to walk away from you, you’ve given me plenty of reasons to do that already, I just want to talk, to sort it all out. Closure is ideal but the voices make it sound like if I ever get that, I should expect even more.

P.S.

Voices say it was rape. You were raped.

But voices also go on and say things like “that’s the opposite” after mic drops like that so, idk, I don’t rape people, I never think of rape to get what I want, please excuse me for calling it “sex” although it may not have been consensual going forward.

I’m your dad

Something something the voices tell me in the time it’s taken me to write this blog, your “father” had already written something and has committed himself to the Zen school/teaching principles of “no thought” as I aspire to as well.

Voices say you’re in a relationship with your father, and while I do not condone incest it’s not like I have much power to stop you.

I’m not operating any radio technology if that part of my conspiracy is true.

And I don’t think my grasp of telepathic communication is strong enough, if that part of my hallucination is true.

Maybe in a few hours the voices will tell me they were talking about “someone else” as they seem to have been doing more and more frequently these last few weeks, but honestly I got so drunk last night I felt like I didn’t even need my medication and I woke up at 10AM, ready to take on the day, only to realize I’m working later at 10PM.

So after I eat I’m going back to bed.

A Wish for Something I'll Never Have

A part of my mind/soul has been corrupted.

As much as it makes sense to try and move on from you, take more steps, position myself even more forward, there is still that longing, nagging sensation that gets coddled by the voices that says we will get back together.

In my mind I try to run away or bury that idea and the feelings that come with it, but I know I’m not really in control of these voices, and the medication only takes me so far before it starts having worse effects.

I mean let’s explore that however.

I want to say “hah, if you approached me and asked to start a relationship I’d say no and spit on you”

but I think the real answer is yes, I would love to start a relationship with you again.

A physical one however, I don’t want to do long distance, and I don’t plan to move to Norway.

Of course, I’ve sent you and I assume you’ve seen the myriad words and pontifications I’ve written about and around the subject but this is the definitive statement: “Sometimes It feels like I can only be with you.”

And the voices echo that I am still in a relationship with you, despite you giving me the cold shoulder at about every attempt I make to contact you.

Hence the cold logic.

But when has logic ever triumphed over matters of the heart?

Fuck.

Carnage

In regards to you, or “somebody else” my mind is filled with stories of sexual exploitation, abuse, mutilation, amputation and death via suicide.

Just carnage.

They clocked your ass lmao

Edited this because apparently this is a two part story (the ad) and makes Black Metal Guys basically look like deadbeat dads. Also I’m sitting here thinking “the reason she doesn’t wear makeup is because her husband would use it/steal it”

Inspiration

Voices keep saying I’m your inspiration, and it just makes me think of this song. I’m not gonna add it to the playlist, it’s like, too on the nose, but it also makes me think of your “Father” for some reason.

P.S.

Voices say if you ever come back to America, Chicago is where you would go, which is cool and all but I laugh to myself and go “Well I’m Boston, y’know, Foreplay/Longtime” hahaha

But there are tons of bands from the 60’s-80’s with American City names. Pick your poison I guess.