Voices are telling me it was either you or your cousin that sat next to me on the train all those years ago.
Sat next to me and didn’t engage, just looked me in the eye as I walked past her, perturbed.
If it was you why would you choose to toy with and torture me like that?
You have every avenue of communication available to you to tell me if you want to see me and you just “spontaneously” decide to surprise me as I am on my commute to work?
Please grow up, I don’t appreciate it.
Will keep updating this with lyrics, not all of these songs will make the playlist but they have good parts
I got fire in my belly
From Wikipedia:
What’s notable is that the towns in the first list are named after music genres, etc etc
Well now I feel stupid, I should have kept that photo!
You looked good for someone that had a baby, IF you had a baby.
Voice are telling me all of this, and now they’re saying you have “Sisu.”
So I suppose you’re off to inherit all the powers of the Nordic states,
Like Thanos and the Infinity Stones.
Hahaha.
If these feelings are artificial
And I’ve done all of this
Only to make a fool of myself
All the more reason to be a joke
Because now I can feel that if we were to
Reunite, and I’d be uninspired to pursue the relationship
We wouldn’t last 2 minutes together
I asked to be a joke first, before I made this blog
Hopefully that’s still on the table
But who knows
Maybe feeling uninspired is artificial too
Voices just said
“That’s why you don’t want to be able to think for yourself she would be effin suicidal”
What problem in the world were you trying to solve and ultimately failed to?!
Voices say you want to be “put down” like you’re some rabid animal.
that if I kept that picture I’d screen captures of you on the balcony you would’ve jumped, but somehow you were aware that I deleted it.
What the fuck do you want? If you haven’t killed yourself yet do you even want to?!
And if you’re under the control of someone else is that not their own desire?!
which one of you is the maniac?!
And what the fuck do I have to do with this?!
I’m crazy enough as it is!
Voices said to me, posing as you:
“You’re doing whatever you want, I’m under somebodies control.”
And this is the first time I’ve heard that.
Multiple and various ideas of our reunion flash through my mind.
However, so does the idea of my own untimely death.
Where the voices say you don’t want to live anymore and tell me in that same breath that I’m going to be assassinated, often times I picture you as my assassin, and in a “safe” location, the story breaks, the deception unfolds and in a failed or successful attempt at my slaying all of a sudden I’m the 10’o’clock news.
But from here something doesn’t make sense.
If successful yes, I become the urban hero, the martyr the voices in my head expect me to be, but if unsuccessful, I’m supposed to use my would be killing to pivot into an acting career?
I don’t understand, I don’t see the parallels.
But those are the thoughts in my mind, as unpleasant as they are.
But not really.
On top of everything that’s going on in the country regarding the Epstein files-
In my own personal corner of hell I have the voices in my head talking about you, constantly saying “she’s just been raped”
Rape rape rape rape rape rape rapre rapre relapse reps r fuck.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
I’ve already, multiple times, justified why I have to live, why I have to just keep fucking going, but more and more this feels less like and illness and more like a trial that I have to pass.
There is no reward, and the trial may go on for the rest of my fucking life for all I know but quite literally I am powerless, at least in this state, post workout, YouTube on in the background and ready to rub one out before bed.
Fuck.
“Eight out of ten Central American women who migrate to the United States are raped en route, according to an investigation by the cable channel Fusion. Before they set off, they equip themselves with contraceptives. When you move countries, your greatest-sometimes only-asset is your body, which also becomes your greatest vulnerability. Sex becomes currency, to be exchanged for protection from the smugglers, the coyotes, or the police. The arrangement is called cuerpomatic-after the Central American credit-card processor Credomatic-because it involves using your body, cuerpo, as currency.”
From the book “This is Our Land” by Suketu Mehta
At least now I have an idea of all this “Rape as currency” talk in my head over and fucking over again. Hell.
Worlds your oyster
I remember when I sent the xanga message about girls your age being a change in Norwegian culture.
Maybe in that respect it’s just creating distance from the Black Metal phase in the 90’s.
But now what’s floating around in my head is this word, “rape.”
Voices tell me if I hadn’t brought Dashawn with me when I visited you in New York you would’ve given me “vertigo” and raped me. And the idea that follows that is that you get pregnant, carry the child to term and then at some point I suppose the government takes it away/you give it up for adoption.
To what end, though?
The only thing I can foresee is that there’s a small tribe of mixed children that gets spread through Norway, and they have children with other Norwegians until they get to the point where they are too closely related to the population and so they have another international “russfeiring” to harvest more unlike DNA to fuel the Norwegian populations capitalist machine.
What also is bouncing around my brain is that maybe all of these if not most of these women your age were also on SSRI’s, and being unable to enjoy sex recreationally, they then also begin to view themselves as “baby factories/machines” with a high likelihood of either suicide or death during childbirth.
Pretty morbid if you ask me.
Just argued with you, or a girl that looked nearly like you in my dream for like 20 minutes.
Nothing really profound about that, I just had shit to get off of my chest and God gave me this facsimile of you to let me do it.
I don’t want to think I’d spend any time I have with you, only arguing, but she was so stubborn, I couldn’t help it.
Also similar to ABWJr, voices say you have herpes, due to rape.
Idk how he contracted it, voices say you got it from your parent.
One odd thing that I keep recalling is when my mom introduced sex education to me. She gave me this packet of books and pamphlets and told me to read them, then she locked herself in her room.
I have and had no desire to “learn sex” with my mom but given how prevalent ideas of incest are in my mind surrounding you and him, I wonder if that’s how you two lost your virginity…
Anyway, it’d help if I could get the answers from the horses mouth, but that feels impossible. And one answer once wouldn’t suffice, I feel like I’d need reassurance every time I lose my mind, like I am now, 8 years later.
Voices say you’re just like ABWJr, and when they say that I think they mean that you have an incestuous relationship with your parents/family members.
Voices say you never wanted me to know that, but if that’s the case you’re more compatible with him than you are with me, and yet if that’s true, then it’s also true that you’d rather stay where you are with your parent rather than venture off somewhere to start a new life. But also if you did go somewhere said parent would still be able to find you. Like that song “Poor Leno” by Royksopp.
I don’t know what to make of all of this. I’m certain in how I feel, and I’m certain that if I can’t be with you in any capacity, that means I have to try and find a way to move on, and I’ve been trying to do that, I feel as if I’m constantly trying to do that.
ABWJr has or had a smoking hot gf/wife the last timE I saw him in church, so I wonder if he was introduced to this person by his incestuous parent, maybe the same is said for you.
Whatever.
