Am I a piece of shit?

Watching this legal battle between two streamers, man and a woman and they were in a relationship and he’s suing her for defamation and she’s claiming sexual assault.

He started crying while explaining it, and for some reason my mind went back to when I took that trip to Norway.

Of course some guy going crazy across the world could be that kind of a threat. Of course.

I really wasn’t able to think about anything, is my defense. I was running on pure emotion, feeling, urges.

And while I don’t think I would’ve assaulted you, yeah, given what little I know or knew about you, for one, this didn’t seem like a novel experience for you or for people in your friend group, and two, I understand if you thought I had ulterior motives.

2026 marks being 8 years away from 2018, and while I haven’t bought a gun I am further away from where I was mentally back then, at least I think I am, it feels like I am.

Yeah some things still bug me and I come to this blog but otherwise, what else is there? I need to vent, and I don’t want to shop around for a therapist. Therapy just doesn’t feel real, doesn’t feel like it works, and my problem is that I need to get it out of my system, get you out of my head, it’s not like I’m struggling with ideas that you still love me and will come back or some shit.

Not at all, despite the voices insistence in it.

Anyway.

"Freedom"

Voices just said “this is why she’s not allowed on the internet because she would think she could be free of me.”

Bro whatever or whomever that describes sounds like they are in an abusive relationship with someone. I don’t know who.
Further more, the voices went on to say “we would all want to be at the house wherever you are.”

I can try to get my brother to accept living with you, until we find our own place, but if anyone else decided to show up, unannounced and act like they run shit, my brother would take out his fucking gun, and fucking shoot them.

End of story.

Salvageable

Do you remember that folder of me confronting people about my psychosis?

Today, one of those persons reached out.

It still seems as if some people are still willing to be my friend.

This is good.

This makes me feel good.

On repeat

The story so far is that in Argentina you fucked your dad.

But now in this nebulous web there is the girl that isn’t you, you, Howard, the rest of your family, and apparently Howards band? Who wanted that specific scenario for the music.

Your father was mad because he didn’t want to do it.

Voice also say you wish you just said that instead of literally everything else.

I’m writing this down because it’s going to repeat in my mind sans voices if I don’t do anything about it.

As amicable as I was when meeting Steinar and the gang, I can’t say I want thoughts of him knulling du arsehole, over and over in my brain.

Heaux VS Housewife

Are they trying to turn you from a heaux (hoe) to a housewife?

Earlier in the day the voices said some group of women whom you may or may not be affiliated with were going to remain as “sluts.”

And now they’re claiming you’re out there in Norway, walking down the street and giving random men blowjobs?

Like I appreciate the sexual liberty but honestly I’m jealous, and if I can’t have it then I don’t want to hear about it, unless it’s coming directly from you.

That hasn’t changed.

I can’t win with these voices

They say because I follow all these beautiful women on the internet that I don’t give a fuck about you

But if I were to take after ABWjr and delete all of my social media I’d be even less aware of all that’s happening around me and then some

And you don’t want me, or at least you’ve said you don’t, so what the fuck would I be doing, being even more delusional and trying to save myself for you?

this is hard enough as it is, and I need every little scrap I can get

Like I’m painfully in love with you, you hate me, I’m fat and out of shape so I’m not the most attractive, I’m fucking black in Amerikkka, and I don’t have my bachelors degree, a car, and I have a roommate

The deck is stacked against me babe

I’ll take what I can get

He wasn’t your dad

He was a cop.

Steinar/Steiner

So a blowjob, sex even, was A-Okay.

Voices are telling me all this, it’s not as if I can verify this myself.

I looked up some dude named Steinar and he really was a construction worker, so I don’t know.

In fact, I think that’s the only thing I do know: that I don’t know.

And maybe I never will.

Go nuts.

Fuck all of Norway why don’t you.

Become a nation in and of yourself.

Just leave me alone if you don’t love me.

I mean Christ you’ve said all of these horrible things to me already and I’m still such a bleeding heart like what the fuck I don’t even get angry it’s a Luke warm pot of rage if you consider how angry I get about the other things in the world so maybe just lay the fuck off and get out of my mind so I can focus my thoughts on things that matter so I can go out and try to make a difference be the change I want to see and make the world a better place even if you wouldn’t want to be in It what the fuck

Rugby Ball Head

Saw a girl with a head shaped like yours.

Sometimes, when I see these people, or people that look nothing like you, I hallucinate and see your face.

In the past I would chase these women down the street to confirm whether it was you or not, try to do anything to get their attention.

Yesterday, I just reminded myself that if you really wanted to speak to me, if you really wanted to get my attention, you wouldn’t just walk on by.

At least I hope that’s true.

Voices say

You’re of the opinion that the world is about to end.

Verbatim, the voices say: “That is why we don’t want love, the world is about to end.”

Moments before that, the voices said:

“Daniel Fairclough is the only one that sees a future.”

Idk if I’m the chosen one or just insane but I already split myself down the middle I don’t need to live in or acknowledge two different realities as well.

Jesus.

Black Metal Inspiration

Voices say you wish I let you blow me that night

Because the cop that showed up would’ve blown your head off (shot you in the head)

And you would’ve bit off the glans of my cock as you died

The cop would’ve framed me for murder

Someone would’ve got what they wanted

Correction*: Argentina con Howard

In my last post I said you were engaging in incest with your father in Argentina, the voices said “no, thats the opposite” it was with Howard, your brother.

Incest is Incest.

Just because the person was closer in age doesn’t make it better.

And if it is about this other person why do they keep mentioning you? Because she’s “the opposite” I mean I don’t give a fuck about her so why tell me at all? Why does this madness attempt to fill my mind?! Have I not yearned enough? DO I HAVE TO MAKE A SECOND TRIP TO NORWAY AND GET ARRESSTED AGAIN!?

I mean FUCK I know they’ll arrest me BECAUSE I REMEMBER. I may get as far as my hotel room this time and they knock on the door and ask me a series of questions and maybe they don’t put me in jail but they do “keep and eye on me” to see if I go anywhere near your job, IF, you still work there.

I have half the mind to think that since my first crime of passion to keep you and potentially anyone else there safe they stopped updating their webpage…

___________________________________

In other news, I remember you reading a book the last time I saw you. I don’t recall what it was about, maybe fantasy, but one year for Christmas or just out of the blue, my aunt gave me a present, a box full of fantasy books and at the time I thought she had done some research on you, somehow, and got all of your favorite books in that series.

I donated all the books to my local library, because I wanted a laptop, but now I’m desperately trying to find the books online so I can read them, outside of the idea that it will connect me closer to you, no, not that, it’s just that I’m in the beginning stages of my career as a writer and I can reference these books to help me with world building. I thought I kept at least the Encyclopedia/Anthology book in the collection she sent me but I can’t find it now.

All in all, I’ve gone down a rabbit hole of “great fantasy book series from the 80’s” like I’m going to add all of them to my wishlist as if I haven’t given myself enough things to read. Ugh.

Incest in Argentina

Voices keep saying you had sex/made love/was raped by your “father” in Argentina.

We broke up then and you seemed to dance around that with all the words you wrote.

I don’t even remember that message, I just remember that it was a big excuse.

Voices seem to imply your daughter is the child between you and your father.

And I could be wrong, didn’t you leave a friend/girl in New York with the Indian boy you let wait for 3 hours before you bought a bus ticket to come and see me?

Or was that a lie/half-truth as well?

I have a headache man, although, I’m not as disturbed as I was when I initially heard these… “revelations” I do wish it would all just stop.

It’s been fine for a few days but I’m afraid I should anticipate another storm of mental horrors to enter my mind.

Can you relate?

Most of the time, I find the media that reminds me of you by accident, as I go through life, haphazardly remembering you.

I ran into this song used fairly frequently online, “Her” by JVKE.

I thought at first this song would definitely go on the playlist, it’s about love after all, but in the end I didn’t vibe with it, so I didn’t add it. It didn’t quite encapsulate the feelings I have for you. It didn’t immediately make me think of you.

But when I hear it outside of that context, the part of the song people sample usually gives me chills. It runs down my neck and my arms and while talking to you makes me violently shake, this is admittedly a different feeling altogether.

I’m listening to another song now, one about, or at least I think is about a murder.

I always come back to this but it’s odd how many songs are about love and love lost, but maybe it’s just that universal.

I had more to say but, I gotta get back to playing the new Dragon Quest game.