Not having an episode

I do still love you.

I know I was going back and forth about it a few weeks ago but an unprovoked wave washed over me and it feels right, feels better loving you than trying to drag up negative feelings of hatred and anger.

I can carry this cross.

Watching a movie

I wrote about the themes of love in media before and how it all reminds me of you, of “us.”

I’m watching “Everything Everywhere All At Once” and I wonder if the multiverse were real, would you always just be a hard lesson for me to learn or would we ever have an extended moment to be together, into old age and such?

Just wondering.

Dr34/\/\

Will you only visit me n my dreams?

I just had this most vivid and intense dream about it you, this dream you were in. You reunited with me and my mom, and I was so convinced you were here I also woke o and texted you “where are you?”

I hope I get to meet you again.

Why don’t they listen to me?

The voices are in my head, so why don’t they obey my wants and desires?

I don’t care about who’s having sex with whomever, no one invited me to the orgy, my dick ain’t wet, so I don’t want to hear about it!

Simple!

Eureka

I’m going to actively try to be better.

Like I succumbed to madness, I think now there is an opportunity for me, just like I posted positive affirmations, there is an opportunity for me to try and at least edify this space, and honor my memory of you.

I will try to be and do better.

I may not always succeed, but it’s worth a shot.

Typing out all of these evil and disturbing things has to stop.

If any of this is true

If any of these hallucinations reflect some situation that is happening or happened in real life, I don’t want to or mean to rub salt in a wound.

I had to stop myself from writing a piece about suicide and incest.

I’m just trying to escape the torture of having thoughts like these by being constructive and at least writing them down, so they can exist somewhere besides my head and I get the freedom to ignore them.

That’s it, that’s the magic of this blog, it’s a totem.

But oh my god I do not want to bring more pain and strife to your doorstep.

I’ve been a monster, I know, I apologize, but the least you could do is lend me an ear.

Whatever.

Teenage Anger

Voices were saying Howard’s been waiting for you since ya’ll were 16 years old.

They said that and some other stuff that didn’t really stick, I’ll probably remember and write it later.

Still, I’m here because instead of punching the air in anger, I decided I would write some positive affirmations instead, since I don’t do a lot of positive self-talk.

Here we go:

I love you.

Life is not perfect, but it’s not bad, and it will get better.

I can accomplish all of my goals.

No tragedy will halt my perseverance.

I do not need to go back to the mental hospital.

I can handle what life prepares for me.

I wish you all of the love and happiness the universe can give.

Time is on my side.

I will get into better shape.

Forest Gump

If my last blog was a true story voices are now saying your body count is in the 30’s. I’m jealous.

With or without your communication it’s clear that I’m not a priority, so you can fuck and suck all you want or do the opposite, it doesn’t involve me.

And I recall the movie, when Jenny goes back to Forest after she contracts AIDS. Like she lived this wild and crazy life without him and only wants him back after he’s rich and she’s on death row.

Maybe it’s the window of clarity talking but I don’t consider myself in the same category as Mr. Gump.

Or at least, prior to this blog entry you had ample opportunity to pull one over on me like Jenny did to him.

Of course, I’d have to be a millionaire as well, and I’m definitely not that.

“Cultural Differences”

Before you run off to America to be with the man that only wants you it would only be fair as per Norwegian customs/culture to give everyone that travelled with you to South America a chance to keep you from leaving Norway, be that carnal or platonic reasons.

Is it fun, making a mockery of Norway?

Is this why you wouldn’t want anyone to wait for you?

But what am I saying, you’re happily married to a “wonderful” man and are not the same person I met so many ages ago.

Where are my manners…

Sapphic Banter

Voices keep calling you a lesbian.

From what I know, then why did you marry a man and have a child?

Not to discount people that “come out” after they realize the nuclear family isn’t for them, you just strike me as a person that, either knew yourself and what you wanted to do well enough to know yourself were a lesbian, and avoid marrying a man altogether.

Of course, as you are that person that does exactly what you set out to do, maybe marrying Howard and trying to have a life with him was your “final test” at heteronormativity before you became completely sure that you play for the other team.

And I have to make a note of the fact that I am simply hallucinating, and none of what the voices say is necessarily true.

However I think back to the time when you were in Boston and you went to the gay pride parade.

All these things and more.

I might leave

I’m writing this here before I tell anyone else, but I think I might just leave Boston.

I saw a job offering up to $127k a year on Handshake in Pennsylvania and given that my brother wants to buy a home out of state it might just be time for me to do the same.

I have a lot of friends here, and that makes it harder to think about moving but the city is getting expensive, and my next living situation (in the next 3 years or more) will be me in low-income housing unless I can get a half decent job and pay rent somewhere.

I always imagined I’d be living in the same house I’m in now, just making moderate improvements to it until my mom was happy with us, but life comes at you fast and like this one girl said to me as an insult “you’ve always been slow.”

Doesn't quite have the bite it used to have because regardless of my speed I’ve been treated fairly well by the universe, so maybe I can see this opportunity as a sign.

Many of my other friends have found opportunities out of state, some even in other countries.

I’m just resistant to change, that’s all, but change comes.

Dolly Parton

I was gonna add this song to the playlist, in honor of her passing, but honestly, I never listened to her music like that. Instead, here’s the drunk history of her song “I will always love you”

I fucked up

I did myself a disservice by succumbing to my madness.

The voices go on and on about how you’d rather be dead, rather consume feces, rather be anything and everything as long as it doesn’t have anything to do with me.

So be it!

I don’t know, and I’m not certain I can or will ever know, but I have to hold onto the sanity I do have, in order to continue being a part of society, in order to fulfill my responsibilities, in order to live a life I can determine with my own hands.

That’s it.

Take you out of the equation and I still have work to do.

That never changed, time waits for no one.

Still my heart of hearts, and the heart in the deepest pocket of my subconscious mind, calls out to you, fully ablaze, beating, throbbing, undulating, for what feels to have been an eternity now.

I don’t know if you just can’t understand my predicament, or choose not to, still, I persevere, in my mind, I have no other choice.

My only other options are to be in a hospital for the rest of my life, dead, or in jail, because I believe what the voices are saying not just about you, but about myself as well.

The bad ending.

[your name] this has been a roller coaster.

I know I have strong feelings for you but now, as rationality seems to have anchored somewhere in these feelings maybe I do believe you’re a different person, and the person you are now is not someone I know I love, or have loved.

That feels like a fucking cop-out, because I know I can extend kindness and charity to you too, if you’d let me.

You’ve made it clear that you won’t, and time and time again, over and over again I have to confront that steel wall you have built between us.

Fine.

I don’t know what else to add or say, you called me “Superman” and I feel like smashing through that wall as much as respecting it, but writing my own graffiti on my side of the wall (this blog) as a monument of what you meant and mean to me.

Somehow I still find new words to say to you.

Somehow I still wonder why you don’t love me back.

Was it special in any way to you?

Will you ever return my call?

ess muss sein, muss essen sein, I suppose.

I shouldn't care but I do

How do I stop caring? Voices are talking again, it’s my own fault for maybe missing a few days of medication but they keep saying that “you ate shit” and “you wouldn’t survive.”

I still don’t know what to do about all this, except to come here and vent.

I know I don’t know everything that goes on or went on in that period of our lives when we met but some dialogue, just something to clear this up, some definitive proof so I KNOW I’m just crazy, would be nice.

I don’t think I’ll ever get it but I feel like I need to know what part of my mind/body/soul wants you back so badly, why it wants you back and how I can eliminate him.

I know my last few posts were about me being “over it” and all that jazz but I know I’d come back here all hot and bothered again, it just takes time.

Still, STILL I WANT TO BE DONE, I WANT TO MOVE ON, but goddamit if this isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to accomplish with my life.

And it’s not like I’m hiding this from you or the world, you can see me struggle with this in real time.

Is this even about me though!?

I mean in some way, 90% it is of course, but whatever’s left is what can be done about you???

Quick thought

I think it would, rather I know I would have reached “closure” sooner without my psychosis.

With psychosis it was like facing my feelings and thoughts and desires everyday, without the person of my affection to return or deny their advances.

But without psychosis I wouldn’t be thinking about it as often as with, and perhaps that would make it easier to forget.

That’s what I think and feel anyway.

That all of this would’ve wrapped up sooner.

Your Eyes

Every now and again I wear your face,

The face you used to stare at me on the New York City subway when I was enjoying my music a bit too much.

This knowing face.

A silent command.

Every now and then I peer at things with those eyes,

With that expression,

And it takes me back to you.

For a moment in time I feel we are connected,

Like minded,

Until I turn away.

Your eyes.

Over it?

This medication feels wonderful, feels like I’m Over it and have moved on.

Of course, the irony is that this might be the second or even third time I’ve written a statement like that, but the long wait for closure is done, I’m not looking for it anymore.

In some weird and fucked up way, it feels like I got the closure I so desired.

But now what?

Do I keep updating this blog?

The playlist?

Probably. I can’t help but think of you from time to time, which is how it was before the plague of madness, but we survived that and now I have to go and build a life knowing I had a few screws loose for like 10 years.

Embarrassing.

I’ll be in and out of this.

I love you.

That hasn’t changed.

But I say it with this sadness for what was, and not with the optimism of what could be.

Maybe it’s better to say I loved you.

Maybe.

I think-

I think my medication is working.

Went up 5mg from 15 to 20, been taking it as regularly as I remember and these last two weeks or so have been nice and quiet.

I want to ruin it all sometimes and smoke that weed I got from the random dude the last time I went to the club, but this is honestly kind of nice…

Forgot days could be like this.

Forgot my mind could be like this.