Weed Weed

I got high last night.

At first it was fine, but then the voices started to chime in, one by one, as I did my best to not consider them, not really take in what they had to say.

I had the feeling that I was being “passed around like a blunt” as each voice took their turn speaking to me, talking about me.

Some of them said I’m too good for you.

At some point I hallucinated someone vomiting on my right shoulder.

And in the middle of it all there were two polar opposite forces manipulated the muscles on the right and left side of my head.

At some point I called one of them “The loser singularity.”

The other, was apparently some guy you wanted to be with more than me.

There was more but all in all it lead me to today, where I thought something like

“Well maybe if I keep being wrapped up in these feelings, and there is no one to accept my expression of how I feel, maybe I’m destined to never find love again.”

And in that same experience, I was thinking, if I don’t write these things down, I don’t make them real. They don’t have a chance to be etched into existence, they don’t have any magic as some mental spell.

I don’t believe I won’t find love again, I think I would if I made it a priority, but it’s not, at the moment.

Beyond that, the world is large, and I haven’t met every woman on the planet.

I’ve thought if my partner asked me to delete this blog, then I would, I could, I don’t know if I’d start it again, or keep a notebook, my hope is that I’d be able to talk to them about my illness, and that we could move forward in treating it together.

But I don’t think I’m in such a decrepit state that I’m wholly unlovable, until the end of time.

Of course not, I know I can improve.

There traits belong to the two opposite forces in my mind that hate each other and yet want to emulate me.

And yet somehow, their real life counterparts have everything I could have ever wanted with you.

A wife and a child.

I no longer desire those things. If anything I wish to be forgotten, cast aside, so that I can reemerge in a new fantastical light that I have not been seen in before.

Even I’m annoyed at all this whining and writing to no one.

No one comments.

I don’t know if anyone reads.

But I can’t have it be bottled up either, and I’d rather if people wanted to, that they could engage with this.

Bounce ideas off.

Make light of it.

Something to take the edge off.

While there were also tales of you and incest, I chose not to write anymore detail about it, at least not in this large public space.

And also one of the voices was talking to Jessica, who admitted to the voice that we haven’t had words in almost 3 years now.

I wouldn’t treat her any differently because of it, but her voice seemed to know who it was that was pretending to be me.

Trying to steal my “psychic” identity.

Very odd.

Being reasonable

There’s no reason for me to believe the conspiracy theories floating around my mind that I’m not consciously thinking up myself.

It would be better for me to consider that last xanga message, and recognize your husband and the family you’ve started with him.

I think of all the things I do, the hobbies I have and with my limited knowledge of you, if we could have ever met somewhere in the middle and enjoy things together.

Granted, every relationship isn’t “perfect” like couples don’t always sync hobbies and it’s that frustrating aspect of things that make me think we could have worked.

But that’s in the past now, and it doesn’t appear to be apart of the future.

Like I can push past the idea of “getting back together” at least be a few steps ahead of it and then, maybe this time, come back to voices because I was careless and forgot my medication for a few nights because I was over-tired.

So I guess the solution to giving this up for good is to have some sure fire method to remember my pills, something that I can ignore.

Something…

Sides of the Brain

In regards to homosexuality.

Whenever a voice proclaiming to be you or some other woman or even man declares they’re homosexual, the muscles of my head correspond.

The muscles on the left side of my head contract when a female voice says she’s a lesbian, the right side when a male voice says they’re gay, or another voice calls what I assume is a male antagonist gay.

I’m realizing now that I didn’t take my medication yesterday/today around midnight, that’s because I was already asleep. I slept away most of the day yesterday, wasn’t in the mood to do anything, but I still managed to get the grocery shopping done, I wasn’t a complete fuck up.

Deeper and Drunk

I had this idea earlier in the night to try and “go deeper” with my thoughts and feelings, really try to get to the root of all this. I found this post:

The problem is when the voices come on to me, and start to chip away at my mind that’s not anything I can control. I can ignore it for a while but like you (maybe not you specifically but someone else reading this, maybe) see now I have to vent, and if I don’t vent I will bottle up these emotions, and we all know bottling up emotions leads to a negative outcome. I don’t want to pursue a new, another relationship with bottled up emotions and be emotionally distant or lashing out at my partner because I’m not receiving love from you. I recently tweeted-

And like literally so fucking what?! Like FUCK I HAVE A PROBLEM, A MENTAL ILLNESS AND A BITCH WITH BIPOLAR CAN STILL HAVE A BABY AND A HUSBAND SO WHY NOT ME?!

It’s dumb to compare myself, for one, they probably made it a goal for them to find love again, right now I’m exploring polyamory just because I feel like I’d feel better if I was just someone on the side.

It’s like a trial to conquer jealousy. It’s an exercise in freedom.

Freedom from what? I don’t know, “traditionalism” I would call it, because I feel like I just don’t belong here.

But that’s a number of different factors that separate me from the “haves” and “have nots” I’m like, somewhere in the middle of it all, because I’m counting my skin color, now that I recognize racism that isn’t necessarily enacted against me, but was formed around me, from prior systems, before I was even conceived.

But we’re getting off topic, I just watched a video that threw me off of what I was writing earlier.

Like I said, I don’t control all the thoughts in my head, which is what prevents me from following conventional advice.

I don’t want a relationship, because those thoughts I can’t control will bring up feelings I have to reconcile with. A girl would be in a relationship with me, and I’d be in a relationship with her, and you, even if it’s just the you that lives in my head.

No bueno.

So what do I do?

Right now I’m focusing on getting back in shape. I downloaded some dating apps but my sneaking suspicion is that honestly no one will look at me as “fuckable” until I’m under 200lbs, so I’m 100lbs away from that.

Ok fine whatever.

Then, just getting out more.

The pandemic really fucked everything up but I got a raise at work, I have a bit more income that I can use to be social, go to parties, the bar, really try to forget my troubles for as long as the night goes on.

Been playing with the idea of partying in New York on the weekends for a few years now. It’s a bit more expensive, but currently I’ve been making it work partying in Rhode Island almost once a month, but it’s much cheaper to get down there and cruise around for 2-3 days.

This is the part where I say “I wish I was partying with you.” But honestly I wish I was sharing the experience with anyone that would want the experience.

I don’t know a goddamn thing about who you are right now.

I know one thing, I know where you work, and that’s really it.

It’s odd to me that as much as I’ve grown and changed I still find myself going mad at the fact that I’m still “wIlLiNg To GiVe YoU a ChAnCe” like it’s fucking Destiny, like its BOUND TO HAPPEN, ANYDAY NOW, WHEN I HAVE A MULTITUDE OF EVIDENCE THAT PROVES THAT THATS ONLY A FLIGHT OF FANCY. A FANTASY THAT ONLY EXISTS IN MY HEAD!

But why is it there to begin with?! Why does the universe/god/my fucking Brain remind me?! Why did I get fucking cursed to live like this? Why am I stuck at the crossroads of love?

It’s fucking pitiful.

And all the self help I absorb fails to rid me of my burden.

If I could pull my hair out I would have, I’m lucky it’s short and curly, that’s saved me from self inflicted bald spots.

I feel like there’s more I can write. We both probably know there’s more I can write, but I just want to drink and smoke or do some snus and just feel and forget, at least for a little while.

Just a little while…

Janteloven

Trying to get clues from my psychosis. Going further into insanity after already accepting that I’m fucking insane.

Feces

I don’t know why but the voices keep talking about consuming, eating feces, shit, fecal matter.

That you would’ve “eaten shit” to stay in Boston or whatever.

I remember the day at the hostel when you told me you ate shit and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

But along with this message they also say you’d have never taken my last name in marriage. Not necessarily saying we would never get married but that you’d “never be a Fairclough.”

And finally, they say “that’s why you wouldn’t want to sell me out.”

When I posted about NMPlol and Malena, I heard her voice in my head saying “Who sold me out?” And like, two weeks later, a 10 or 15 year marriage they had with one another was over and they’re in the process of divorce.

It’s strange, completely egotistical to think that that’s because of me, because some authority in Norway saw that and decided to “call her back home” or some shit and it was my fault that it happened but the timing of it all really made it feel like that.

I don’t know how their relationship was, but I do know he was a millionaire, and even that didn’t make her want to stick around, which, in all honesty seems fairly common nowadays. Having money in some respects is having security but that’s not enough to decided to weather the trials and tribulations.

Anyway.

Broken Record

This random burst of psychosis really played on the myth and madness.

I feel like I want to say that somewhere deep down I wish we could have a relationship again but at the same time I’m forced to live with the reality of what is true and that I know.

And I’ve said this time and time again, but it never gets easier. It’s this fucking boomerang.

And I just keep trying to put one foot forward, another step just inches ahead of the loving arm as it tries to drag me back to the depths of celibacy and infantile longing, yearning for a day that you’ll recognize my affection.

It feels so fucking pathetic.

I feel so fucking pathetic.

And I know this is human, people go through this, music and art is about this, blah blah blah blah blah!

But I just want to forget, I want to feel good, I want to love again and I want to be free!!!

It’s either with or without you and I’m forced to live without so why even leave space for you in my heart? Why even tempt the idea that there could ever be a “with” ever again?!

Because I don’t hate you.

I’m trying to consider how you feel, beyond what you’ve told me.

I want to just understand.

So many people that I’ve loved, friends, lovers, have left me alone, and I begin to wonder if there is something categorically wrong with me?

Like am I the bad guy here, or am I just a victim of growing pains?

The people at work love me, lots of people have good things to say about me, but the people I love the most seem to leave me high and dry.

Is it my fault? Am I wearing rose colored glasses all the time?

This fucking sucks!

IM NOT EVER DRUNK!!!

Mention this on the main blog for September

When I watch videos or listen to audio, like the radio, people talking to one another they say things like

“You wouldn’t want to be with (insert your name)”

“(insert your name) is over you”

“(insert your name) has been cheating on you”

And sometimes they mention other peoples names.

I can’t really control this, all I can do is take my medication and not smoke marijuana.

It’s little things like this that kind of chip away at the stone I use to guard my heart, so I don’t relapse and take another trip to Norway.

Like emotional or mental erosion, every time I hear your name.

It’s easy to see why this can, uphold the “myth” or “madness” of me still loving you.

whatever the truth is, I wanted to write this down, in the even of some untimely death I hope, at least, that my words and ramblings on my psychosis can help people understand this diagnosis more.

Lesbian

Trying to sleep, voices are playing images of two women engaging in what I think is sexual activity, at least caressing each other and kissing, and saying “That would be a Dan Fairclough”

Implying you’d rather be a lesbian than engage in, whatever other options you have.

No anger or resentment, not directed at you, just directed at whatever power decided to inform me as well.

Despite all this pain...

Despite all this pain that I go through, thinking and hearing of you, none of which is your fault, it’s just the cards that life drew for me, despite it all-

Life is good.

I’m alive, I’m healthy, I’m building wealth.

Life is good, and life will get better!

Scenarios/Day Dreams/Delusions

“Someone Else” seems to be a topic of the voices discussion. Like they can’t believe the person that sent you all of those unhinged e-mails, the guy that went to Norway and was arrested could hold down a 9-5 going on 8 years since that campaign of harassment began.

They say I just “become someone else” to get through my day to day life, and this is some concept that Norwegians either understand or are currently grappling with.

Beyond that, I still have all these scenarios fly through my mind about you.

Most recently, while drinking a cup of mint tea, my head was setting the scene, that all the boys you and the other girls left behind in Central and South America or wherever you met us were invited to Norway and had to pick out who we met with you girls on stage.

I volunteered to go first and whip out my ID and ask, “do you remember? At the table in New York?”

and blah blah blah we kiss and make up and in my head we’re back together and honestly that’s why I hate myself because even though you brought me to my lowest point in life I don’t have it in me to hold a grudge against you.

I just love you, and if I try to stop, somehow, the universe decides to remind me that I love you.

So I’ll go on loving you, forgiving you, wishing you well.

Better positive vibes than negative ones I guess.